The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 24–30, 2018

Week of January 24–30, 2018
Riders this past week: 17,634
Rider miles this past week: 82,388

Hillary and Bill Clinton were seen on the subway traveling from East Hampton to Amagansett last Saturday morning and they smiled and waved at our spotter. Martha Stewart, reading a cookbook by the Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten, was seen riding from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton on Wednesday.

Beginning Monday, new streamlined rules are going into effect regarding the end-of-the-day procedures on Hamptons Subway. The subway system shuts down at 2 a.m. for maintenance and cleaning and then reopens at 6 a.m. Current rules call for all trains wherever they are on the system to cease taking on new, or letting off old, passengers at 1:45 a.m. and head straight for the Montauk Yards to arrive during the 15-minute interval between 2 and 2:15 a.m. From Montauk, the Subway night bus takes all riders back up the island to their destinations. With the new rule, riders will have the option to get off at Amagansett on the way to Montauk, where “Night Bus 2” will take them to their destinations faster. Those wishing to stay on until Montauk can still do so. And remember, no passengers may remain in the cars after arrival at Montauk. Cleaning material—particularly the fumigation sprays—cause bronchial diseases and allergies to flare up.

Many things are prohibited on the subway. Large poisonous snakes, for example, unless they are in DOT-approved cages. Surfboards. The list of things prohibited is posted at all token booths. A new item added this week is compressed air balloon inflation devices. Recently, a gym instructor from Ajax Exercise Studio in Hampton Bays began inflating a medicine ball on the subway between Hampton Bays and East Quogue. The medicine ball grew and grew and, when the instructor could neither turn the compressed air machine off, nor disconnect it from the ball, it ultimately trapped 30 passengers in one end of the subway car for nearly an hour. The passengers were finally saved when a trapped antique dealer carrying a civil war era rifle—also prohibited— stabbed the medicine ball to death with its bayonet. Also new to the prohibited list is anything that can get into a subway car that can be made larger once inside by either an internal or external device.

At the behest of the new Hamptons Subway marketing director, Jesus Beaslewitz, the subway system has ordered three “party cars” from the Battlewattle Subway Car Manufacturing Company in Toronto, Canada to our special specifications. They will be available for charter on the system beginning July 1. Entry to these cars will be by wristband. Special exterior grab bars will be available for bouncers. Each car will have push–button operation of confetti falls, blinking spotlights and DJ-quality sound systems. They will be attached as the last car to any subway train when chartered. Because subway train lengths are tailored perfectly to the identical size of all the platforms, this means that the subway train will stop twice at the station where the party starts and ends. It will stop once at its regular positions, then move forward one car and stop again so the party car sticking out the back can load. This will be a minor inconvenience for regular riders, but they will get used to it.

Hamptons Subway will be shut down this week if President Trump, a friend of mine, wants it that way. It will be part of the government shut down. We’ll let you know.


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