Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 8–14, 2018

By Dan’s Papers

4 minute 02/12/2018

The Hamptons Subway love train is back, Photo: Eugene Sergeev, Viktoriya Sukhanova/123RF

Week of February 8–14, 2018
Riders this past week: 23,111
Rider miles this past week: 94,824

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Chuck Close was seen on the Hamptons Subway traveling between Water Mill and Southampton on Friday afternoon. April Gornik was seen on the Sag Harbor platform on Thursday afternoon being congratulated by passersby.

TSUNAMI WARNING, OOPS
On Tuesday at 10 a.m., people throughout the Hamptons received an alert on their cell phones from the Weather Channel warning of a possible tsunami between 10:59 and 11:59 a.m. Many called 911 and were told it was a mistake. The cause of it took place in the control room here at Hamptons Subway headquarters when one of the trainees, attempting to order pizza, inadvertently pushed the wrong button on his computer. This flashed the tsunami warning throughout the subway system, which then got picked up by the Weather Channel. We regret the error. The intern was fired even before the tsunami warning went viral. No pizza arrived.

CARBON CATCHER
On Thursday, Subway riders noticed a crisp, clean smell as the trains went through the tunnels instead of the usual smoky, sooty smell that usually passes for air in there. Reporting it to headquarters, it was quickly found that maintenance man Billy Friendly in the Montauk Yards had been tinkering with a chemistry set while on duty and had found a way to chemically convert carbon particles into water by spraying the concoction on the engine radiators behind the grille fronts of all the trains, so the dirty air got cleaned as it was whooshing through. His chemistry set was taken away and he was fired for working on other things and tampering with subway equipment while on duty.

THAT DELAY IN NOYAC
An annoyances on the Subway is the screeching sound the train makes as it negotiates the sharp turn to get around and under Trout Pond in Noyac. Last week, engineers moved the tracks half an inch further apart from each other for 200 yards. This solved the problem. We regret the derailment and subsequent three-hour delay that resulted. It won’t happen again.

FIXING AIR VENT GRATINGS
At ground level, there are metal air gratings that allow for air circulation along the line. Last week workmen began the $4 million project to put screening atop all these gratings. It’s long been felt that someone or something could catch a paw or hoof in the gratings. The spacing between the steel is a half–inch by three quarters of an inch. It’s been especially concerning that a baby deer or endangered piping plover could get a foot stuck in there. Plovers have really tiny feet. That could be disastrous for the subway. People go to jail for harming piping plovers. It should all be screened over by next Thursday. What a relief that will be.

VALENTINE’S DAY
With St. Valentine’s Day approaching, Hamptons Subway intends to place gigantic red neon hearts on the cowcatchers on front of all the subway trains that day. They will blink and glow and you will surely know what day it is. Music is to accompany this, but in a test run last Thursday, the designers of the project had chosen “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to accompany the trains, but this is unacceptable. If anyone knows of a song celebrating St. Valentine, please let us know.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I want to wish all of you riders the best for St. Valentine’s Day. May all your days be merry and bright.