Police Blotter

Catapult Rains Excrement on Neighboring Work Site in Montauk

Construction workers on the job at a new home build in Montauk were taken aback on Friday, when they allege “litter box refuse” began to rain down upon their job site. Police were called to the scene, and confirmed that clumps of “kitty-litter-covered feces of a feline origin” had fouled the area, though officers did not witness the fetid waste actually falling onto the property.

“When we arrived at the scene, the damage was already done,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “It looked like four or five litter boxes worth of turd to me.”

While police did not witness any feces actually falling from the sky, they determined the work crew was probably telling the truth about the airborne origins of the noxious material, as the waste was widely dispersed on the premises. Police began an investigation, and soon discovered evidence at a neighboring property.

“Our suspicions were first aroused because the neighbor seemed to have a lot of cats around,” Hirsch says, adding that police are still trying to get an accurate count of the number of felines residing at the property.

“A full search of the house revealed the existence of a second-story deck, and on that deck we found a kind of jury-rigged catapult.”

In a room adjacent to the deck supporting the catapult were a number of litter boxes, each notably empty of cat excrement.

“Upon these discoveries, police felt we had enough evidence to bring the house’s owner into custody,” Hirsch explains.

They have yet to get a confession from their suspect, but the Hamptons Police believe the man, who remains anonymous at press time, was upset by the fact that the development of the neighboring lot was impairing his cats’ freedom to relieve themselves in the privacy of the great outdoors.

“He was very upset about the need to start providing litter boxes for his cats, and I guess he thought he would take it out on the construction workers,” Hirsch concludes.

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