The Forgiveness Card: How Trump Can Testify to Mueller and Tell His Lies

Trump advice cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas
Cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas

Donald Trump has to decide whether he will allow himself to talk to Special Counsel Robert Mueller. On the surface, the decision appears simple. He says he has nothing to hide. And not talking to Mueller would convince the public he is guilty. So he has to do it.

On the other hand, his lawyers are lobbying for him not to talk to Mueller. Could they know he has something to hide? No, they don’t. We all know the reason. Trump is the greatest liar to ever hold the presidency. Last week, The Washington Post reported he’s told more than 2,000 lies since becoming president, some of them contradicting earlier lies. Nobody doubts it (Republicans say it’s charming and they don’t care). Except Donald Trump will dispute it. He’d say he’s never told a lie. It’s fake news. He doesn’t even know he lies. But lying under oath to the FBI is perjury.

It could even be double perjury. He lies that he never colluded with the Russians. And then he lies that he never said that. Impeachment could follow. And so that’s why Trump’s lawyers don’t want him to testify. A lie could sneak out. Check that. Ten could sneak out, some of which would be the opposite of what he lied about earlier in the interview.

What a mess.

The only answer to all of this is to have Trump testify, but give him an index card to hand to Mueller that tells them that yes he lies and if he makes certain gestures or begins with certain words, what is going to follow is going to be a lie and needs to be excused. He can’t help himself. He needs to be forgiven. So what he says next will not be under oath.

Trump doesn’t need to do all of these things before being excused. He could do just one or two. So if even if he does one, what follows would be excused. Here’s what’s on the index card.

He purses his lips into a tiny oval.

He begins a sentence “believe me…”

He raises his hand to stomach height and causes the thumb of his right hand to make a sort of circle with his index and middle fingers and then move his arm to make a sweeping gesture.

He says “people have told me, I don’t really believe it but…”

He begins a sentence with “everyone knows…”

He raises his right palm as if he wants everyone to be quiet.

He starts a sentence with “let me say this…”

These will all fit on one index card. There will be copies made. All the prosecutors and questioners will have one. If one occurs, automatically a little bell goes off. Ding! With this in place, he can wiggle through.

Another problem that has cropped up for Trump is the Supreme Court’s decision early last week that essentially scrubbed Trump’s March 3 deadline to send all the Dreamers—the kids brought here illegally by their parents who are now college age—back to where they came from.

An exemption for the Dreamers had been put in place during Obama’s presidency. It was the right thing to do. It was no fault of these 700,000 young people that their parents had brought them to America illegally.

One day last fall, Trump declared that he’d been told by lawyers that Obama’s executive order was illegal, so he was cancelling it. But the cancellation would take effect in six months, on March 3. This would give them time to pack their bags. But—and this was a big but—he said he would cancel his cancellation if Congress would agree to wall off Mexico. In other words, he was holding the Dreamers hostage until he got his wall. If they wouldn’t give him the wall, this was the proof the Democrats were at fault. (Lies 1,342 and 1,343.)

Anyway, the Supreme Court decision means that holding the Dreamers hostage won’t work. So he’ll have to find something else to hold hostage to swap for the wall. But what?

Maybe he’ll make a huge mistake. I know! He could say he will release his tax returns if they don’t give him the wall. And that would be the Democrats fault. Oh, no.

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