Police Blotter

Hamptons Dog Feces Mysteriously Linked with Polluted Water

In what is being called a shocking discovery, water quality experts are saying that it’s not enough to just scoop dog feces into a plastic bag and then drop the bag by the side of the road.

“I know it seems scarcely credible, but it turns out those bags leak,” says John Dreck, who reported the findings for the Water Safety Council. “Dog owners thought that by tying a knot in the bag and placing the bag on the ground, they were sealing the feces forever and preventing it from fouling our waterways—and who can blame them?”

Studies now show that rainwater can actually get into the plastic bags and cause the harmful toxins contained in the waste to enter ponds and streams.

Despite the new revelation, Hamptons Police Department officials and Water Safety Council scientists say this does not mean dog owners should simply not bother bagging the poop at all.

“We are strongly advising East End dog owners to bag the poop as before, but make that extra, Herculean effort to put the bagged excrement into a proper trash receptacle,” Hampton Police science liaison Chadwick Padapopolous explains. “We realize it’s a lot to ask, but if you’d prefer not to swim in and drink fecal matter, you might want to give it a try.”

Padapopolous also notes that most areas where dogs are walked offer free bags, conveniently posted near garbage bins.

Police say the public should anticipate stricter enforcement of bagging laws in the very near future.

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