The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: March 22–28, 2018

Week of March 22–28, 2018
Riders this past week: 10,422
Rider miles this past week: 103,841

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Alan Alda was seen with Jimmy Buffett riding the subway from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton last Saturday. Alda was playing a wicked banjo.

STATUE ALMOST STOLEN
White House workers were down in a subway tunnel east of Westhampton last Wednesday night, illegally trying to remove a large bronze statue, which had been locked into a storage room wall.

Members of the subway’s maintenance staff discovered the Trump men trying to fit the statue through that storage door. It was too big. But they were about to jackhammer the door wider. The Subway Police were soon called in and apprehended these six men before they could do any damage to either the door or the statue.

The statue was erected a year and a half ago in a happier time, when Trump was still a candidate and he and his friend Vladimir Putin were visiting Hamptons Subway in a friendly visit. They were sculpted nine-feet-tall and arm-in-arm. But when Trump was elected, at his request, the statue was taken away and stored. Those arrested said they were told to destroy the statue so it could not fall into the hands of Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller.

VELOPTORAPTORS
A scene from Steven Spielberg’s upcoming film Jurassic Park V was shot at 3 a.m. on Thursday when the system was shut for the night. In the film, a train pulls into the Southampton station where a crowd awaits it, only to find that in the third car there are three Velociraptors, covered with blood from the passengers they’ve eaten, trying to pry open the sliding doors so they can maraud through the crowd of extras waiting there to board the train. The Velociraptors, in the scene, almost have the doors pried open when the subway police arrive with rolls of electrical tape to keep the doors closed while the train takes on new passengers (in other cars) until finally, the tape holds and the trainman puts the subway train into gear and roars off with it. That’s the scene. A lot of people are screaming in this scene.

In the first take, however, the Velociraptors managed to pry the subway doors open before the police arrived. They depart the train and begin eating the terrified actors pretending to be straphangers, then make their way through the crowd and up the escalators and out to the sidewalk and off to points unknown.

At the present time, the Velociraptors remain in hiding, apparently waiting for things to cool down before they forage some more. Professors at the Stony Brook Southampton campus say they can go a week or more without eating. So now that a week has passed since this problem, we are reporting what went on last week and ask the general public to report any suspicious behavior in the area.

DELAY
As most of you know by now, there was a half-hour shutdown of all service last Friday from 5 to 5:30 p.m. when a group of enthusiastic St. Patrick’s Day celebrants from Bay Shore marched through the tunnel from East Hampton to Amagansett accompanied by bagpipes and floats and Scottish singers. This was done without anybody’s permission. They left at Amagansett. We regret this delay.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Due to this week’s Velociraptor chase, the general public is asked to only ride Hamptons Subway during the day. Velociraptors eat only at night and are strict carnivores. If you must travel after sundown and see one, feed it a raw steak and call 911.

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