The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 15–21, 2018

Week of March 15–21, 2018
Riders this past week: 8,989
Rider miles this past week: 96,754

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Governor Andrew Cuomo was seen riding Hamptons Subway from Westhampton to Quogue last Saturday afternoon. Ina Garten was seen riding from East Hampton to Sag Harbor on Friday afternoon. Naomi Watts and Scarlett Johansson were seen traveling from North Sea to Southampton on Thursday. And Blythe Danner was seen standing on the platform at Bridgehampton on the eastbound side.

ROBOT NEWS
As an experiment, Commissioner Aspinall, over the objections of Foreman Frank DeWeill who oversees the subway maintenance department, sent out a team of robots to clean the subway system last Wednesday night. There were 12 of them, and according to the manual that accompanied them from Robots Cleaning, they would clean the tracks, scrub down the walls and ceilings, vacuum the platforms and otherwise do the entire job that DeWeill’s crew does, but in half the time. The subway gets cleaned every night between 2 and 6 a.m. when the system is closed for maintenance.

The robots were out for just an hour-and-a-half from the Montauk Yards and they did a beautiful job. However, one fell off a ladder after 30 minutes and was carried out on a stretcher to be mailed back to Robots Cleaning with a busted arm. Two other robots came back with injuries suffered when they battled over a mop and pail, but there were minor injuries. The odd thing was, that after accounting for the one that had to be hauled out, there were still 12 robots.

Eleven of those were among those sent out, but the twelfth was a cheerful little pint-sized robot wearing a diaper. Where in heaven’s name did that fella come from? The Commissioner has handed the work back to DeWeill’s maintenance crew going forward and will be evaluating the robots in the meantime. The robots even cleaned all the lightbulbs on the subway system without removing them from their sockets. Everything is just so much brighter.

ANNUAL TRASH PICKUP
Last Tuesday was trash pickup night for the customers of Hampton Subway. Everyone was invited to attend and whatever you found would be yours. Among things left on the subway platforms was an old tricycle and a duffel bag of laundry, an unopened six-pack of Seagram’s Ginger Ale and a box of clothes pins. People were very happy with what they found, except for a Mrs. Florence Sourapple of Harrison Drive in Springs who stumbled upon a 4-carat diamond ring on the tracks that was clearly worth more than a thousand dollars. Because of the great valuation of this, Mrs. Sourapple was forced to give it up to the Subway Police Department. Its value was over the limit of $1,000 permitted in our “rules of contest.” Rules are rules, and the Commissioner has hired a committee to make sure the rule is in there—and if it isn’t to put it in for next year.

TRACK WORK
The J Express Train will be operating on the Local track between Hampton Bays and Speonk westbound on the afternoon of March 18 through the evening and closing time of March 19. The J Train will be making all local stops during this period except for Remsenburg. For those wishing to go there from the east, take the J to the end at Eastport, climb the stairs and go down to the other side and take the eastbound J back one stop. We regret the inconvenience.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Carry on, oh great Subway system: You and the riders and conductors.

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