The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 5–11, 2018

Week of April 5–11, 2018
Riders this past week: 21,388
Rider miles this past week: 140,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Howard Stern was seen traveling from Southampton to Hampton Bays last Thursday afternoon carrying a dog in a carrier. It’s not necessary to have a dog in a carrier on the Hamptons Subway. All animals, other than poisonous snakes, are welcome to travel on the subway. Our only requirement is that the animal comes when called and a pet owner can demonstrate that when asked.

SUDDEN SNOW
All 12 Hamptons Subway snowplows are garaged at the Montauk Yards when not in use. Last Monday, as you know, we had a surprise spring snowfall of 5 inches, but we were unable to turn our snowplows loose because they weren’t there. On April 1, our 12 snowplows were trucked to JFK and flown to Sydney, Australia where they have winter when we have summer. This sharing of the snowplows and their attendant repair and upkeep costs with those “down under” has resulted in a huge financial saving for both owners as you might imagine. Fortunately, a team of Southampton High School teenagers with shovels turned up and did the “snowplowing” instead. Bravo, Southampton High, we love you! There were no delays, except when a motorman had to slow down to weather snowball fights.

CATS AND MICE
As I am sure you know, Hamptons Subway has long had a mouse problem. At unexpected moments, you see them skittering along all the platforms to get from one side to the other for reasons we do not know. For a long time, we told customers they would just have to live with it, because it was believed these black mice with white tails were the last remaining members of an endangered species living on subway platforms in the United States. Last month, however, when it was found that the species has dramatically recovered to become a disease-bearing pestilence in Chicago and Detroit, it was decided by Subway management that it was time for our white-tailed black mice to disappear. To that end, 200 feral cats were rounded up and dropped onto all platform floors late last Tuesday night. It was all over by morning. We now have a fat feral cat problem. But if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.

OBAMA’S HEAD
Some very sick individuals vandalized a famous bronze statue of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump in a storage room by the Westhampton platform. The statue, larger than life-size, shows the leaders arm-in-arm enjoying a walk on the subway together during that famous time when they visited Hamptons Subway, the year before last. After the election, at the request of the Trump administration, the statue was taken away and put in the storage room under lock and key. Now it turns out that last Monday night, some unknown persons broke into the storage room and, using a blowtorch, removed the Donald Trump head and replaced it with a bronze head of Barack Obama. The name of the two men on the plaque at the foot of the statue was changed too. This is a disgrace to the office now occupied by Mr. Trump, done by scurrilous individuals who apparently would rather that Mr. Trump cease to exist in statue form. An investigation has been started. He (or she) is not going to get away with this.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This coming Tuesday at 2 a.m. is volunteer trash pick up night at Hamptons Subway. Be at a platform of your choice at that hour with bags, dustbins, rubber gloves and brooms.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

Facebook Comments

Show More

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *