The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 6–June 12, 2018

Golfers Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Jason Day rode the subway before the U.S. Open.

Week of June 6–June 12, 2018
Riders this past week: 42,811
Rider miles this past week: 162,923

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Golfers Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Jason Day, here for next week’s U.S. Open, were seen traveling between Hampton Bays and Quogue on the subway last Monday with Shinnecock Tribal Trustee Lance Gumbs and Southampton Town Supervisor Jay Schneiderman chatting about Serena Williams. Singer Paul Simon was seen traveling west from Montauk on Sunday afternoon. Actors Melissa Leo and Kim Cattrall were seen traveling from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton on Thursday.

NOSE CONES
We’ve received numerous complaints this year that the subway trains seem to be traveling a bit slower than usual. It is true. The subway trains are getting a bit old and, since January, we’ve slowed the maximum speed down two miles an hour so as to preserve their engines. In response to the complaints, however, we outfitted all our lead subway cars last week with false pointy noses that make them look like Japanese rocket trains. So far we’ve had no further complaints about the train speeds.

TRASH
New rules are now in effect for trash. All trash cans on the platforms have been removed for the summer. Throw away trash before you get on the subway system or after you leave it. Everyone who drops trash on the platform will be escorted by our security people up the escalators with the trash they dropped to place it in the proper bin up there on the street corner. All subway entrances are on street corners, which makes it simple for anybody to drop trash there with or without an escort.

STUFFED TEDDY BEAR
A giant stuffed teddy bear was seen sitting alongside the tracks in the tunnel between Amagansett and East Hampton last Monday evening. Taking no chances, subway officials called the Animal Rescue Service in Riverhead who came down with a large net at 2 a.m., after the subway service shuts for the night, to capture this creature, which, indeed, turned out not to be real. The teddy bear is currently in the lobby of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays and we invite whoever left it on the tracks to come get it. No harm will come to you.

OUR BUILDING
Once a year, we like to remind people about the history of our subway headquarters building. This three story four square granite structure was built in 1938 from designs drawn by German architect Albert Speer, and is the only building in America designed in the now disgraced Nazi style. We have been trying to get the building protected as a historic site, but each time we apply, the National Register of Historic Places unanimously rejects it. Stop in and see it for yourself. But don’t take the teddy unless it’s yours.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S STATEMENT
Last Thursday, lawyers representing Commissioner Aspinall, who is under investigation for fraud, announced that, because the Hamptons Subway is privately owned, he is allowed to break the law because he is the one who makes the laws. He carries a gun—a German Luger he bought legally—and says he has been practicing on the range in Westhampton and if the time ever comes where he thinks it would be necessary to use it to shoot anybody—if they were to assault a subway rider or try to get him to testify about his so-called fraud, which of course he says is some damn witch hunt—he would not hesitate to do so. As long as they were on his private property.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Bang.

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