Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 31–June 5, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 06/04/2018

Hamptons Subway authorities arrested three women for "taking a knee" on Memorial Day — Hamptons Subway authorities arrested three women for “taking a knee” on Memorial Day, Photo: Mirko Vitali, Harris Shiffman, Lisa Young/123RF

Week of May 31–June 5, 2018
Riders this past week: 31,945
Rider miles this past week: 153,923

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Award winning golf pro Rick Hartman of the Atlantic Golf Club was seen traveling from Bridgehampton to Water Mill with Tiger Woods on Wednesday. Our subway spotter could not hear what they were talking about because of subway noise. Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick were seen on the subway last Friday traveling from Amagansett to East Hampton.

ARRESTED KNEELING
At the annual ceremony at the Southampton platform to commemorate Memorial Day on Monday morning at 8 a.m., three people, all women, were arrested for kneeling during the playing of the National Anthem. Two of them said they were helping the third look for her car keys, but the officers arresting them said they should have looked for the keys after. They were taken away in chains and were last seen exiting the subway system wearing ankle bracelets. Commissioner Aspinall said that kneeling during the playing of the National Anthem would not be tolerated. And the security people will be there for the Fourth of July ceremonies. The so-called “keys” were never found, which proves they were lying.

PUSHER SHORTAGE IN QUOGUE
The 55 pushers we hired for the summer were out doing their job throughout the system, shoving the crowds of subway goers on the platforms into the subway cars to keep things moving. Everything went well, except at the Quogue station. There, on Friday at 11 a.m., on the first day of Memorial Day weekend and their first day on the job, four pushers shoving a crowd did not see the other four assigned to the station in the midst of that crowd in spite of the fact that all eight were wearing helmets, boxing gloves and chest protectors. The result was a shortage of pushers at Quogue with the crowds backed up the escalators and out into the street above until re-enforcements arrived at 2 p.m. The four missing pushers are still missing. Anybody knowing of their whereabouts should contact Hamptons Subway at trouble@hamptonsubway.com where all complaints are dealt with.

KIM AND TRUMP TO MEET HERE?
As you know, Hamptons Subway has a special soundproof luxury subway car that goes slowly around the system at night after the regular service ends. It can facilitate negotiations between world leaders. But because it’s all hush-hush, we can’t name any of them in this newsletter. There is a bar, translation facilities, a video hookup, secretarial services, comfortable chairs and servants.

What we can tell you today is that some of the chefs in the company cafeteria at the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays are being trained in cooking a North Korean cuisine, most of which involves goats. We can also tell you is that on the Westhampton platform, where for a long time there has been a statue of Commissioner Aspinall arm-in-arm with President Trump, the statue has been modified with the head of the Subway Commissioner replaced by the head of Kim Jong Un of North Korea. Finally, the Fidel Alverado Salsa Band, which is currently playing on the platform at Westhampton has added a new song: the National Anthem of the Kingdom of North Korea. What could all this mean?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The first wedding ring of the summer was heaved by an angry married person onto the tracks in the tunnel between Hampton Bays and East Quogue. Remember, when you see this happen, always notify a subway employee. We fetch the rings and return them. Just another special service from Hamptons Subway.