Police Blotter

Kitty-Cat Discus Event Causes Discussion and Disgust in Napeague

Hamptons Police were called to restore order.

A village council meeting at the village hall in Napeague became the scene of noisy disruption as a large group of animal rights advocates took to the floor to demand answers about an upcoming kitty-cat discus event due to take place on the beach in Napeague in early July. Police were called to the meeting to restore order.

At issue for the activists was the council’s decision to grant a permit for the charity kitten discus event, called “Throwing the Distance,” which is now scheduled for July 5 and is being held to raise money for the Napeague High School Track and Field Boosters Club Ladies Auxiliary.

“All I can think is that the council didn’t realize what they were approving,” shouted Elvira McIntosh. “Well, allow me to enlighten you. Participants are going to take kittens and whirl them about and then send them flying through the air. Meanwhile, sickos are going to be placing bets on which kitten will go the farthest, with the proceeds benefitting this organization. How can you countenance this?”

McIntosh’s remarks met with numerous shouts of approval and demands from others in attendance for answers.

Members of the council, for their part, defended their decision to permit the event, explaining that kitty-cat discus events can be safe, fun family entertainment. “It all takes place on the soft, sandy beach,” said Bob Brill, chairman of the council. “The kittens hardly weigh anything, so when they land on the sand it’s actually a very soft impact. There’s seldom an injury of any kind. And anyway, it seems like you, of all people, should be aware that cats tend to land on their feet.”

Brill noted further that there would be a team of veterinarians on hand, just in case.

Meanwhile, many in the crowd, including Deirdre Prohaska, were additionally questioning of the nature of the charity running the event. “First of all, there’s no Napeague High School,” Prohaska pointed out. “So there can be no Track and Field team, much less a Track and Field Boosters Club, and even less a Track and Field Boosters Club Ladies Auxiliary. Anyone can see that this is just an excuse to throw kittens around and place bets on it!”

Prohaska, a lawyer by trade, threatened to report the event to gaming authorities.

The meeting broke up without incident. However, the council later announced that, given that a permit had already been issued for this year’s kitty-cat discus, the event would be allowed to go forward as planned. The council advised the event’s organizers to be prepared for protestors.

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