Police Blotter

Disguised Hamptons Youths Engage in Sugar-Fueled Rampage

The kids were intoxicated from copious amounts of sugar and chocolate last Wednesday.

The Hamptons Police Department responded last Wednesday to multiple reports of large groups of young children marauding through village streets across the South Fork. Callers described the children, some of whom were not yet of school age, as being dressed in various disguises and being intoxicated from copious amounts of sugar and chocolate.

“Many of the callers complained of shouting and loud screaming,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “And we were able to verify that this behavior was in fact going on in many different neighborhoods across our jurisdiction.”

According to Hirsch, the young, disguised perpetrators were organized in small gangs, many of them carrying bags overflowing with candy. “Our officers witnessed large numbers of these very young people—children, really—helping themselves to outrageous amounts of chocolate and other sweets. It was beyond anything we’ve ever seen.”

Hirsch notes that the children, in their state of sugar and chocolate inebriation, were openly trespassing on private property and disturbing the peace by knocking on doors. “They were just going from house to house like this happens every day,” Hirsch continues. “It’s unbelievable.”

While the young people’s actions were clearly against the law, the Hamptons Police Department officers were unable to take action. “We recognized pretty quickly that we were just outnumbered, sometimes as much as 10 to one,” Hirsch explains, recounting the experiences reported by his traumatized rank and file. “We were reduced to just taking notes for use in our follow-up investigations.”

As a result of this surveillance, Hirsch notes that the Hamptons Police Department are now on the lookout for people, especially children, dressed as witches, ghosts and zombies. “If they try to use the same disguises again, then we’re going to get them, no question,” the spokesman says. “We’ll be more prepared in the future, I assure you.”

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