The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 30–December 6, 2018

Now hiring subway platform Santas. Send resumes.

Week of November 30–December 6, 2018
Riders this past week: 18,871
Rider miles this past week: 56,474

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Amagansett resident Gwyneth Paltrow was seen traveling out to the new stop at Gurney’s Montauk Resort & Seawater Spa with several friends on Thursday afternoon for hot toddies. Longtime Hamptons resident Kathleen Turner was seen traveling from Georgica to Bridgehampton on Friday, and East Hampton resident Steven Spielberg was seen with a camera heading out to the beach at West End Road on Saturday afternoon. Paul Simon appeared on Saturday night traveling out to Montauk Point to witness the lighting of the lighthouse for the holidays. He was nearby to David Rattiner, who on one knee was asking his girlfriend, Alena, to marry him. She said yes.

NEW PLATFORM LIGHTING
New light bulbs have been installed on the East Hampton platform that are designed to help straphangers board the train without injury. They are dimmer than the lights that were there before and the intent is to make people stop running across the platforms so fast to board the train. There have been numerous “trip and fall” complaints there. We made the lights brighter for awhile but that didn’t help. So now we’re trying dimmer. We expect people to be more careful when the lights are dim.

CHRISTMAS SANTAS
Hamptons Subway still has openings for seven Santa Clauses. It is our intention to have one on every platform and so far nine have been selected. The ones without Santas are Westhampton Beach, Quogue, Hampton Bays, Shinnecock, Water Mill, Sagaponack, Wainscott, Amagansett and Montauk Lighthouse. If you are interested, you must be size medium and no more than six feet tall as we mistakenly ordered all the Santa suits in one size. Also, for the next three weeks, don’t take your kids to more than one platform unless you can explain how Santa got from one platform to the other. Santas will be waving customers onto the trains. They will not be having anybody sitting on their knees. If you know anyone who might be interested and fits the bill, have them contact us.

PACKAGE SIZES
For the duration of the holiday season, gift packages measuring greater than four feet by five feet by two feet taken down the escalators by subway shoppers will have to be brought through the turnstiles with the payment of their own separate subway swipe. We regret the inconvenience, but we think you’ll understand.

THE MUSIC
Many people have objected to our playing “Here Comes Santa Claus” over and over all day and all night on all the platforms during the three weeks of the Christmas celebration. Straphanger suggestions range from playing nothing to turning it up louder to confining it to just one platform or just one subway car, but until people can get a consensus together about what they want we are going to continue it as before.

TROUT POND CURVE
Work is continuing on the fixing of the sharp curve under Trout Pond in Noyac. When completed, next summer, the curve will not be as sharp, but the depth of the pond will be only four feet deep on the north side to accommodate the raised subway tunnel coming along. The pond will be open next June but remember on the north side, no diving.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I want to wish all of you a very merry Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Christmas or whatever you Agnostics celebrate at this time of year. Please check that your gift you give on the subway platforms is appreciated by those receiving it ahead of time so we don’t wind up with all this gift wrap and trash on the tracks as happened last year.

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