Just days after the ball dropped and the 57 tons (114,000 lbs) of trash were removed from Times Square, most American are promising to dump our own extra weight. But how does one keep this difficult New Year’s resolution? After much research, we think we’ve found the answer.
Dan’s Papers’ scientifically minded experts and lifestyle gurus delved deep over the last 72 hours, exploring all manner of diet before finally digging up an old, dusty tome that revealed the key to weight loss. According to the text, which we translated from its original Sanskrit and Aramaic, one need not take pills, avoid carbs or eat like a paleolithic caveman to slim down. Ancient Phoenician scholars and the most well-read modern theoreticians agree that simply eating less food, and better food, and getting regular exercise will miraculously lead humans to lose weight.
“It’s really quite simple,” Dr. Finneus Smythe of the East End Scientifical Institute explains. “If one cuts down portion size, stops eating Twinkies and other fatty or sugary snacks, and gives up drinking soda, it’s a good bet you’ll lose weight.”
Additional research points to exercise also helping in battling your bulge, Smythe says. “Get away from the computer and television, and take a walk,” the expert continues. “You can even hit the gym or try some basic calisthenics at home.”
Take this new secret knowledge to heart and our scientists guarantee you’ll be pounds lighter in 2019. As the occult texts say, the less one eats and the more one exercises, the more weight you’ll lose.