Police Blotter

White House Team Shuts Down Dangerous Hamptons Cancer Windmills

All windmills will remain closed until they can safely be powered by coal.

Following powerful scientific evidence delivered in a White House memo, and at the behest of a special “Earth Force” team dispatched to the South Fork this week, the Hamptons Police Department is cordoning off all windmills between Southampton and Montauk. According to a presidential report, it’s likely the 100-plus-year-old mills have been blowing cancer across Hamptons villages and hamlets for decades.

“Each of our historic windmills is undergoing measures to encase the structures in plastic and create negative pressure so the cancer will stop shooting out all over everyone,” HPD Chief Science Officer Ray Gruberbloch explains, noting the work should be completed by Memorial Day. “Until we figure out how to safely power them with coal and other fossil fuels, we cannot risk anything wind powered to negatively impact the health of this community or our esteemed summer visitors.”

Further, Gruberbloch says an adjacent report warns that solar panels could contribute to leprosy and Spanish flu. More information is forthcoming.

“As many know, carbon is regularly used to filter impurities out of air and water, so it only stands to reason that the use of carbon-based fuels and products, and the smoke and gasses they often emit, would do wonders for cleaning our air and keeping carcinogenic free radicals and disease out of the environment,” Gruberbloch continues.

The Pentagon’s elite Earth Force is overseeing operations on the ground, directing local police to erect scaffolds and catwalks and begin covering windmills with a newly synthesized cancer-catching plastic. Gruberbloch is confident the project will do much to improve the lives of East Enders for generations to come. “I have great faith in these guys and their work with our local police,” he says. “There’s a reason their motto says, ‘Earth Force: Changing the Climate, One Molecule at a Time.’”

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