Police Blotter

Sub-Standard Start? Hamptons Police Submarine Makes No Arrests Over Memorial Day Weekend

Captain Curly McGruff says their presence deterred boaters from crime.

The Hamptons Police Virginia-class nuclear submarine concluded its first official weekend on duty Monday evening with mixed results. While Captain Curly McGruff predicted an unprecedented number of arrests this season, he had had nothing to report following his initial 72-hour shift.

“Some might argue our lack of arrests is actually the greatest marker of success,” McGruff said. “Just as a squad car parked along the highway prevents motorists from speeding, our presence in local waters is having a prophylactic effect on boaters,” he explained. “We’re puttin’ the fear of God into them, and that’s what we’re here to do.”

The sub, which was acquired in 2015 as part of a program to outfit small-town police forces with government surplus, made a headline-grabbing arrest last month when it intercepted a boat smuggling counterfeit rosé from China during a routine training run. McGruff believes this incident and his proactive stance against waterborne crime accounts for the failure to make an arrest or issue a single ticket over Memorial Day weekend.

“We kept a diligent vigil from Shinnecock Inlet to Montauk Point all weekend, and I assure you, we didn’t miss a beat,” the captain said. “The crimes just didn’t occur.”

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