The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 18–24, 2019

Subway stop town names were briefly changed to local celebrity names.

Week of July 18–24, 2019
Riders this past week: 58.444
Rider miles this past week: 221,145

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dick Cavett, the legendary TV personality, was seen traveling from Amagansett to Montauk on Friday morning. Legendary island resort sun worshipper and singer Jimmy Buffett was seen traveling on the subway Tuesday morning from Sag Harbor to North Haven. Legendary actress Lori Singer was seen Saturday afternoon taking the subway from Bridgehampton to East Hampton to participate in batting practice for the up coming Artist-Writers game.

SIGN CHANGE
New Hamptons Subway marketing director Ed Earlyman, formerly of Dean & DeLuca, had his crew of workers down at all the platforms on Thursday afternoon changing the names of all the stops from the town they are in to the major celebrity who lives in that town. For example, the name EAST HAMPTON was removed from that stop’s subway entrances and platforms and replaced with STEVEN SPIELBERG.

Earlyman did this without permission from Subway Commissioner Aspinall, and because it led to a lot of confusion on Thursday evening, particularly among the celebrities themselves who felt whoever he chose was not the major celebrity, so the signs were removed during Thursday night and were replaced on Saturday morning after Earlyman located where his underlings had stored the old signs, and he did this even though he was fired for which we hold him in great admiration and thank him very much. Friday was a day on the subway where nobody knew anything and we apologize for that, but nobody was left on any platform at 2 am Saturday when the system closes for its nightly maintenance, so things must have worked out.

CAGES
Large metal cages appeared on all our platforms on Thursday morning and we don’t know who put them there. We think it might be ICE immigration agents, but when we call them they don’t call back, so we just don’t know. Anyway, they are still there, so for the moment to get to the trains just walk around them.

THE BLACKOUT
During the four hours that the west side of Manhattan went dark last Saturday night, a similar blackout afflicted the Westhampton Beach, Remsenberg and Eastport stops. It is a little known fact that the electric system on which the Hamptons Subway depends is wired up to a LIPA substation in the Montauk Yards in the east, but the three most westerly of the stops are wired from New York City’s Subway System power substation on Manhattan’s west side at 58th Street and Tenth Avenue. So we are referring all inquiries to that subway system about what happened and why.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I have been in deep conversation with the owners of the Offshore Wind Project about the objectionable place on the beach in Wainscott where power lines from the offshore windmills would come ashore for East End distribution. I have offered a come-ashore at our dead end stop at Southampton’s Coopers Beach, and then the interiors of all our tunnels for the heavy and sizzling hot cables that have to hook up to local power stations everywhere in the Hamptons. All I asked from them in return was free electric power for the subway system for the next 30 years. We would even have our workmen splice wires to do the hook-up as the big cables come through, free of charge. The offshore windmill people say that hundreds of people would be electrocuted if there were just an average rainstorm up top, and we’ve replied that is a price we are willing to pay if it means saving the earth for everyone else. Anyway, that’s where the matter currently stands.

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