Police Blotter

Lake Agawam Drainpipe Sends Red Balloons Out to Sea

Creepy individual balloons are emerging from Southampton Village's newly opened pipe.

The Hamptons Police Department received multiple distressed phone calls following the opening of Lake Agawam’s drainpipe leading out to the Atlantic Ocean last week. Of primary concern are the numerous, but always individual, red balloons appearing around the area and drifting out to sea.

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“Our citizenry seems to be worried on two fronts,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “For one, these balloons fly in the face of our local balloon ban and pose a threat to the environment,” he explains. “The second problem is really just that they’re pretty creepy. I mean, seriously, we’ve had fishermen report seeing single red balloons out there at sea. It gives me goose bumps to think about.”

No one has claimed responsibility for the balloons, but police are investigating the matter with great, stomach-turning trepidation. Nothing about this feels right.

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