The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 17–24, 2019

The Hamptons Subway International Underground Film Fest (HSIUFF) screened 22 King Kong movies.

Week of October 17–24, 2019
Riders this past week: 27,411
Rider miles this past week: 117,893

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Many Hollywood celebrities were seen riding the Hamptons Subway this past weekend. Some say it was because word has gotten around that riding the Hamptons Subway is worth a trans-continental trip. Others say it was because this past weekend the Hamptons International Film Festival was here. Anyway, Laura Dern was seen traveling from Montauk to Amagansett on Friday. Brian de Palma was seen riding the subway from Southampton to Water Mill on Saturday afternoon. And Scarlett Johansson was seen riding the subway between Sag Harbor and North Sea on Monday.

TROUT POND SOLUTION?
Ever since the Hamptons Subway was built, the train screeches terribly as it makes the big underground turn to get around Trout Pond in Noyack. Now Hamptons Subway will solve this problem. The subway will not go around the pond anymore at all. A straight glass tube will be lowered to the bottom of the pond and get attached to the underground subway tunnel at each end. Its cost, $11 million, will be offset by charging a special fee to riders who ride in the glass tube. The train will slow to a crawl as it runs along, allowing the passengers to view all the fish in the pond just by looking out the subway train windows. The biggest expense, we are told, will be in holding the water in the pond while the glass tube is being attached. Thus fishing and swimming in the pond will not be disrupted during the two years of construction this is expected to take.

HSIUFF
This was the fifth year that Hampton Subway held its own “Hamptons Subway International Underground Film Fest” on its platforms to rival the above ground Hamptons International Film Festival (HIFF) during its five-day run. In prior years, movies that were not accepted into the HIFF program were then shown on big screens set up on all the platforms for the HSIUFF. The showings did draw crowds to watch the films (who were for the most part disappointed), but the screenings did annoy the regular riders simply trying to cross the platforms to catch the train. So this year we tried something different.

We limited the films to the showing of all 22 known King Kong movies, such as King Kong vs. Godzilla, the original King Kong movie, its two remakes, and also all other sequels and prequels. And we didn’t show them on the platforms. Instead, screens were set up inside every car in the entire subway system so riders got a little King Kong treat for whatever time they took riding from one point to another, whether they liked it or not. We think it was a success, and next week when the ballots are counted on Halloween eve at the Hamptons Subway Building in Hampton Bays, we will announce the winning King Kong film and afterwards reshow it on all 22 platforms throughout the night. Attendees are expected to be in King Kong costumes.

SUBWAY IMMIGRATION POLICY
Beginning Monday, a new rule will go into effect about which immigrants can ride the Hamptons Subway. Those immigrants already in America, legal or not, will be allowed on the subway. Those immigrants who have not yet arrived may not ride the subway.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I am on the French Riviera this week to advise French officials if they should have a subway there or not. Though this is a deductible business trip, I am using a translation app on my cell phone to communicate with the French officials, so this will save the cost of a translator.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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