Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 19–25, 2019

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 12/23/2019

Hamptons Subway Christmas party — Hamptons Subway Christmas parties are the real deal, Photo: 123RF

Week of December 19–25, 2019
Riders this past week: 43,812
Rider miles this past week: 111,809

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Madonna, carrying a whip, was seen on the Hamptons Subway on Thursday morning headed from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor to shop and then return on foot to her horse farm. Sting was seen traveling from Amagansett to East Hampton on Wednesday evening, humming a tune. Steven Spielberg was seen carrying a beautiful Christmas tree off at the Georgica Stop last Sunday, having come from Southampton. He lives just a short walk from the subway station.

TOKENS
The Hamptons Subway Newsletter has learned that the people from Bitcoin are in negotiation with our Commissioner Bill Aspinall about the 2.5 million brass subway tokens that have been shoveled into and filled all the storage rooms in the Hamptons Subway corporate office-building basement in Hampton Bays. They were taken out of service in 1999, when the new swipe cards were brought in to replace them. The Bitcoin executives say they are ready made to be put back into service—one Bitcoin equals one subway token—as they segue into Bitcoin becoming the first worldwide real brick-and-mortar currency, rather than just a will-o’-the-wisp invisible currency which is currently all they offer.

The Commissioner says he will sell, but he will require that they pay a pretty penny for all of it because the weight of these tokens is anchoring the six-story building into the ground on its site, and without them down there who knows what will happen. He is considering allowing them to be leased for six months, and, if nothing happens to the building, then consider that the sale is final and they will not be welcomed back.

EASY PASS
Hamptons Subway’s experiment with “Easy Pass” is over. It has failed. Management had high hopes when the project was started three months ago and probably for good reason. Stacks of subway cards were arranged on a table adjacent to the token booths along with a sign reading TAKE ONE and a metal can reading PLACE MONEY HERE. YOU ARE ON THE HONOR SYSTEM. But it just didn’t work. On every platform, the stacks of subway cards simply vanished without anybody putting any money in the cans. Shame on you people.

ELECTIONEERING
As we approach election time, the Commissioner has urged us here at the Newsletter to inform readers of the rules and regulations on Hamptons Subway property, which, as you know, is a private subway system, not like other subway systems, which are public and everything goes. The rules for Hamptons Subway electioneering state that there is to be no posting of campaign posters, no speeches and no candidates greeting the customers and shaking hands and so forth, no matter what party the man or woman running for office belongs to, unless it’s the Republican party. The Commissioner, who is Chairman of the Board of this private subway system, is a special friend of Donald Trump and so that’s the way it is.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
With the holiday season now upon us, employees of the Hamptons Subway will be holding twice-a-week Christmas parties until January 4. Because alcohol will be served at these parties, I have ordered that all maintenance be postponed until January 5 so our repair staff, which drinks heavily the rest of the year—its in their contract—can really go hog wild during the holidays without damaging anything broken while trying to fix it, which surely is a good idea. So if you find something broken, just wait until January 5.

And Merry Christmas to you all.