Me and my buddies here in Three Mile Harbor are watching the football playoffs on TV, and the Kansas City Chiefs have just called a time-out to decide whether to go for it on fourth down. Sixty thousand people are in the stadium, watching this live. Another 40 million are sitting on the edge of their seats in their living rooms. It’s high drama. The quarterback just trotted off the field.
Cut to commercials. A Toyota splashes through a puddle. Let’s Go Places, an announcer says. Now there is another announcer.
Guacamole Sitzbath Syndrome can strike anybody. It’s horrible. You break out in green spots and can’t catch your breath.
On the screen, a smiling young woman skips off the tennis court with a racquet over her shoulder and a sheepdog prancing alongside. It’s a bright, sunny day.
We’re shoveling in the beer and chips.
Guacamole Sitzbath Syndrome can be very painful. And people die because of it. They die all the time.
The woman is now joined by her tennis partner, a handsome man with a full head of white hair. They smile knowingly at each other and skip along. Behind them is a beautiful waterfall. They’re at a resort. The mist billows up. The sheepdog stops and looks up, his tongue hanging out. He’s full of happiness and joy, too.
But now there is Quaxalibebxq. Quaxalibebxq comes in capsule form. Studies show that people with Guacamole Sitzbath Syndrome have 42% fewer debilitating attacks when taking Quaxalibebxq as directed.
The woman is now smiling poolside. She picks up a smiling infant and clutches it to her breast. Now the scene is a putting green and she’s lining up a five-foot putt. The man stands off to one side beside their golf cart. They look at each other, smiling. They are mad for each other.
Of course, Quaxalibebxq is not for everybody. If you have male pattern baldness or your two eyebrows have merged into one big one, or if you were born as the result of artificial insemination, or if you talk in a high, squeaky voice, you should not be taking Quaxalibebxq.
The couple is now sitting in a hot tub on a beach, looking out into a lagoon where a large yacht bobs at anchor. The woman puts her head on his shoulder.
The announcer now speaks at double speed.
Possible side effects from taking Quaxalibebxq include explosive diarrhea, blurred vision, a stiffness in the tongue, a sudden sprouting of excessive armpit hair, hiccups, the sniffles, bleeding from the ears or your nose can fall off. Ask your doctor about Quaxalibebxq.
This commercial, which cost $7.5 million, is now over. Quarterback Patrick Mahomes is trotting back out onto the field, the upcoming play rattling around in his head, a determined expression on his face.
But don’t worry. The $7.5 million is recouped by the manufacturer of Quaxalibebxq by subsequently increasing the cost of one capsule from $36,000 to $42,000. And who can say it’s not worth it?
Remember when the doc decided what to prescribe? Here, you’re expected to run off and enthusiastically tell your doctor about Quaxalibebxq, and he figures, well, instead of prescribing two aspirin, he’ll give Quaxalibebxq a try.
It looks like coach Andy Reid has told Mahomes to go for it, the sports announcer says. Somebody passes the chips. Somebody else pops a cold, fresh can of beer, and somewhere in America, a nose falls off.