East Hampton Protects Hedges Inn from Being Hit by Motorists

The East Hampton Village Board of Trustees met last week to look at possible ways to stop motorists driving into town on Woods Lane from failing to make the left turn, and thus plowing into the front porch of the Hedges Inn.

In January, a 17-year-old motorist fleeing the cops at 1 a.m. turned off his headlights, put his pedal to the metal, accelerated to 90 miles an hour, went straight at the turn, and flew through the air over the inn’s picket fence to embed the car into the aforementioned front porch.

And just 14 months earlier, a motorist fell asleep at the wheel, put his pedal to the metal while unconscious and hit the inn so hard that it shifted on its foundation.

Fortunately, nobody was injured either time. And in each case, the inn got fixed up in time to welcome summer visitors. But this sort of thing has got to stop.

At an earlier meeting, the Village had ordered a study which determined 8,000 motorists a day successfully make that turn; it also found that 85% of those approach the turn at less than 40.8 mph and just 1% approach at over 50 mph. The study also discovered that since 2010, at least 12 motorists only partially made the turn and didn’t hit the inn, but drove spectacularly into Town Pond itself. None were going 90 mph, however. And, uninjured, the motorists either climbed out of their cars to wade to shore (the pond is only 4 feet deep) or waited patiently to be rescued, hoping their public embarrassment would be brief.

As somebody pointed out at the second meeting, these facts and the money they cost to reveal seemed irrelevant to the problem. The problem was an impaired driver going 90 miles an hour in the dark of night.

Proposed solutions to the problem included putting up even more signs for people to read as they come toward the turn, improving the lighting, adding more rumble strips, constructing a cement barrier on the inn’s lawn and installing an electric sign that posts a motorist’s speed.

Perhaps the most interesting proposal at this second meeting was put forward by Mayor Jerry Larsen. Declaring that stopping bad motorists without killing them should be a priority, he declared that putting a concrete barrier across the front lawn of the inn would be a death sentence, and proposed that something called a vehicle-arresting barrier could deploy a net in which a badly driven oncoming vehicle could be caught (think firemen who bring trampolines to catch distraught suicide jumpers.)

These people would live to drive another day, Larsen said. The net could be hidden behind shrubbery, out of sight until it needed to be deployed. And it would work.

But nobody seemed to get particularly excited about it.

Well, I have some other ideas.

First, move the inn back on its property. Buildings often get moved from place to place in these parts. There are firms that do this. They raise buildings onto railroad ties, put wheels under them and tow them off.

The people who own the inn would surely be pleased to move the building to the back of the property. It’s currently looking out at the oncoming cars on Woods Lane as they approach the turn — certainly an anxiety-provoking scene. Behind the building is a big parking lot and lawn they own. I think money would have been better spent if the company hired by the village had explored the trajectory of the cars that hit the structure. I believe none of them, even if their drivers pumped them up to 110 mph, could fly into that porch if the building were 200 feet further back.

But, just to be sure, after moving the inn back, place a flimsily built historic structure on the front lawn. It could be a big old barn. The inn’s owners would love it. No more looking out at the traffic. And, bam! Hitting the barn would be a big mess, but nobody would be killed.

Another flimsy object that would work would be one of our windmills. Main Street East Hampton has three giant, 40-foot-tall historic wooden windmills, all nearly identical and all built more than 200 years ago. They are the pride of the town. Do we really need three? OK, OK, bad idea.

However, over the years, numerous fake windmill replicas have been built in towns nearby. The windmill at the foot of Main Street in Sag Harbor is one. And, well, OK, Sag Harbor isn’t going to give it up.

And so, I think East Hampton Village should build its own fake windmill replica, place it on the Hedges front lawn and then, every year, smash it to hell with sledge hammers if it hasn’t been demolished by a motorist. It could be a highlight of the Ladies Village Improvement Society Fair.

Along with this, I’d extend Town Pond across the inn’s front lawn. The truth is, these wayward speeders leave car tracks on the lawn before they hit the inn. If the pond were extended, the grass would be water, and water would safely slosh motorists to a halt. The motorists, to their chagrin, would be just another laughing stock in the pond.

And, by the way, this would enable the village to not have a net, and therefore there would not be a need for a village employee to be sitting on a folding chair on the inn’s front lawn waiting to pull the lever deploying the net as a high-speed vehicle approaches. That — think three 8-hour shifts — would save taxpayers a lot of money.

Here’s another idea: set up a camera with a telescopic lens on Woods Lane. By using AI, have it examine the eyes of approaching motorists.

If the driver’s eyes are closed, trigger a powerful searchlight beam to blast the motorist awake while setting off a 100-decibel attached horn. A 5-second blast.

Wake up. Wake up.

Another idea, this one from my wife. Hire a Japanese firm to make a huge dashboard airbag, so large it could be the size of the Goodyear Blimp when deployed. It would deploy when a tire crosses a metal plate on the lawn.

And one final idea. Build a huge public fountain like the one at Columbus Circle in New York City on the inn’s front lawn.

Hit the porch? Never happen.