Hamptons Subway Sends Cars to Help NYC Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Sylvester Stallone, beaming with pride, went up the escalator at the Southampton station. He’s bought a mansion here for his daughters.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY SENDS CARS TO HELP THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM

Hamptons Subway Traffic Manager Ted McPherson acted instantly when he learned that five MTA subway cars had been damaged in a big collision in the Queens yard where subway cars assemble at night. This happened at 2 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. No one was injured in the collisions.

“I ordered our fastest five-car train to the subway yards in Queens to get there first thing in the morning,” he said, “and I am told they performed magnificently keeping the MTA on time. This time of year, we have less ridership than in the summer and so it was no skin off my nose to do this. Usually we have three or four trains that just sit around in the Montauk yard all winter.

The MTA did not answer phone calls when we tried to get a quote from them on how the Hamptons Subway cars helped. But several riders in Manhattan called to say they’d boarded Hamptons Subway trains on the Lexington Avenue line and thought it was some kind of Twilight Zone dream and how did that happen?

KIKKI ELLIS WINS “COUNT THE CARS” COMPETITION

Kikki Ellis, age 9, was the winner of our “Count the Cars” competition over the holiday season. Parents were asked to take their kids out to Montauk and up to the top of Fort Hill where the view westward looks down on our subway yards there adjacent to the Montauk Long Island Rail Road Station. Entrants wrote their guess and their name and address on a piece of paper and put it into a metal mailbox we had set up there atop the hill, and after we sorted through the papers and found only those who had the correct number, Kikki’s name was picked out of a bowl. Kikki enjoyed a whole afternoon with Santa Claus and a subway motorman on Christmas Day going around the 62-mile system from Westhampton to Montauk and waving to the crowds on the platform. And no, we will not tell you the number because, as Commissioner Bill Aspinall has told us, he doesn’t plan to buy any new cars this year and so the number is to be kept as secret as the formula for Coca Cola for the competition next year and we don’t want to give away the answer. But I think we can safely say it was between 20 and 30.

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY AND NO TRUMP

Partygoers were disappointed when President-elect Donald Trump failed to appear at a party given in his honor at the home of Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall on Meadow Lane in Southampton on New Year’s Eve. According to members of his entourage, Trump ordered his motorcade to turn around and return to Washington at 4 p.m. that afternoon when traffic crossing at the Shinnecock Canal was so bad they were at a standstill for more than an hour.

“It is a shame that traffic has gotten so terrible in the Hamptons during the Biden administration,” Trump told the press later. “I am making an executive order, my first, even before I am inaugurated, that a special drawbridge be built across the eastbound lane of the Shinnecock Canal bridge that can be raised to halt traffic until enough cars leave the Hamptons on the westbound lanes, as long as that might take.

Local officials were caught by surprise by this order, but say they will cooperate. Officers from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers are rushing to the Hamptons to meet with local officials about moving this project forward next month.

Meanwhile, the party continued on without Trump. All of Meadow Lane had been ordered evacuated by the Secret Service as you know and this was kept in place because of the chaos that might have happened if these residents were suddenly allowed to return. We all regret how this had to happen.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Before I fired Hamptons Subway Traffic Manager Ted McPherson for sending our best five car multi-million dollar subway train to New York City without asking me, I did ask him how the hell he got them there. As I am sure you know, the Hamptons Subway system was built underground back in 1932 by a crooked New York City subway system builder named Ivan Kratz. Kratz won the bid for the Lexington line, then ordered triple the material he needed for the Lexington line. When investigations began to think he might steal the excess material, he quickly ordered all the material out to the Hamptons which was nearly uninhabited at that time, and here he built a second secret subway system that he kept quiet about. Many years later, in 1996, the Hamptons Subway system was rediscovered by accident and shortly afterwards reopened and it’s been open since.

Could there be a branch of the system leading back to New York City? According to McPherson, there is. Either that or an elaborate sewer system hookup. According to McPherson, the trip took 11 hours and did smell terrible. We are looking into this.

We still have not either had our subway trains returned or even told by the MTA that they are there. We just keep getting transferred from one clerk to another when we call.