Hamptons Subway Prepares Trio of Beach Spurs for Summer

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Actress Renèe Zellwegger was seen Wednesday on the subway traveling between Hampton Bays and Southampton, apparently out here to visit friends. Also seen on Wednesday was His Honor Carlos Papito Caliente-Barros, the Mayor of Punte del Este, Uruguay, heading east between Quiogue and Quogue on his way from the airport stop in Westhampton to Southampton and to the home of our esteemed Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall for cocktails at his Meadow Lane home. Punte del Este’s subway system is the new sister subway system to our very own Hamptons Subway.

BEACH SPURS

Workmen this week have begun cleaning up and polishing our three beach spur lines that take riders from the main line in East Hampton and Southampton to Main Beach and Cooper’s Beach where the spurs dead end.

Along the way, riders enjoy music by the Beach Boys while passing the beach paraphernalia hanging on the walls – surfboards, beach blankets, umbrellas, kites, fancy sunglasses and radios found left on the beaches from prior years.

The spurs will be open the week before Memorial Day as usual and the transfer from the main line is free.

Incidentally, we are working on a design that could take people out to the beach from the main line in Westhampton Beach, but that will have to wait til next year.

RIVAL SUBWAY SYSTEM?

Last Monday we learned the Hamptons Town Council is currently being asked to consider an application for a second subway system for the Hamptons to be called the E.E. Subway (stands for East End – get it?)  The project has been proposed by Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, who has gone into partnership with South African-born entrepreneur Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, who has largely made his money in transportation with automobiles and rockets to foreign planets, but also on the internet. Musk, it is said, has recently purchased the old Von Bullock mansion on Gin Lane, not too far from where our Hamptons Subway Commissioner has his home on Meadow Lane in Southampton.

According to the proposal, which the Newsletter has obtained through friends, E.E. Subway trains would run in tunnels directly adjacent to the Hamptons Subway tunnels, but would feature not only the regular stops that Hamptons Subway currently offers, but new stops in some out of the way and totally unnecessary places that Hamptons Subway does not. For example, there would be a Flying Point stop between Southampton and Water Mill, and there would be a Hayground stop between Bridgehampton and Mecox.

President Trump endorsed E.E. Subway, and said the Hamptons Council should approve it or he will fire everyone on the Council and replace them with people who support his agenda.

Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall is vehemently opposed to the plan, of course, and he’s told staff that agents for Putin have been in the Hamptons Subway tunnels measuring things for this and that.

“They are here completely without our permission,” he said.

Meanwhile, President Trump, taking a break from dismantling the State Department, said there is clear evidence that illegal aliens have been digging  tunnels from Mexico into Hamptons Subway tunnels and “Clueless Aspinall” has done nothing about it.

“Sad. Very sad,” Trump said. “Beginning May 1, people with foreign passports will no longer be allowed to use Hamptons Subway.”

LOCAL WORKERS OPPOSE NEW EE SUBWAY

“E.E. Subway would be bad for workers in the Hamptons,” said local taxidriver Fred Firman who spoke to a crowd carrying posters on Long Wharf in Sag Harbor Thursday. “It would take away jobs from our current beloved Hamptons Subway and the new jobs would be subject to the substandard City of Moscow employment rules.”

ENGINEER’S REPORT CITES DANGERS OF PROPOSED EE SUBWAY CONSTRUCTION

As we go to press, we have learned that the Hampton Council has received a new report from a prominent Amityville Engineer stating that the construction of a second tunnel adjacent to the old Hamptons Subway tunnel built in 1932 would probably cause both subway tunnels to collapse. “The torque and compression numbers I have calculated would far exceed limits,” said Steven Glockman of SG Engineering. “It would be an accident waiting to happen.”

SUBWAY SLOWDOWN

A dangerous situation has developed with a third rail under Trout Pond between Noyac and Sag Harbor that will cause the slowing down of all subway trains on Hamptons Subway to five miles per hour as they pass that spot during the next three days. A delay in repairing this has been caused by the inability of the workmen to find where they put the rubber boots they used last time there was a third rail situation. The men cannot work on the third rail without them. New boots have been ordered. The cause of the trouble on the rail appears to be fungus from the pond.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA GREEN

Glenda Green, a maintenance worker from East Quogue, celebrated her birthday last Monday with a big cake presented to her by friends at Hamptons Subway Headquarters at Monday lunchtime. Happy 32, Glenda!

LOCALS FREE

Residents who can show picture IDs with local addresses will be waived through the turnstiles this Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as a gift from Hamptons Subway to prepare them for the crowds of summer people who will be jamming the platforms beginning Friday for the big Memorial Day weekend next month.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

This whole week has been caught up discussing the possible E.E. competitor. What it really is about, some say, is the mineral rights under Hampton Subway. Something to do with Ukraine. And Greenland. Well, we’ll see.