Hamptons Subway Employees On Time & in Remarkable Health

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

No one famous was seen riding the subway this past week. All 17 of our celebrity spotter volunteers were out on the trains this weekend, but, sadly, without result.

ON TIME THIS WEEK

For each of the past seven days, all the trains left the Montauk yard exactly on time and stopped at all the stations exactly on schedule, 12 minutes apart. It is the first time in three years that this has occurred. Kudos to all the motormen.

ESCALATORS NOT NEEDING REPAIR

The 28 up and down escalators going from street level to the platforms in all 14 of our stations operated flawlessly this past week without any need for repair. The escalators were originally manufactured when the subway system was built in 1931 and though in the past they have frequently broken down, none did so this week, a testament to the quality of American workmanship back at that time.

GOOD HEALTH

All 72 employees of Hamptons Subway reported for work on time every day last week, and none called in sick, probably because the good weather of this past week translated into good health.  The Subway Pararescue Squad, the four-person team based at our Hampton Bays headquarters, also had nothing to do all week because none of the straphangers got sick or were injured, also probably for the same reason.

LARGE RACCOON BETWEEN NOYAC AND NORTH SEA

A giant raccoon, which Motorman Fred Friendly encountered on the tracks in front of him between Noyac and North Sea on Tuesday at 4:13 p.m. turned out not to be a problem. Friendly slowed and then honked his horn and the raccoon looked up, smiled, and trotted off through a hole in the subway tunnel wall to let the train by.  Motorman Friendly was able to make up the time with a short burst of turbo speed and arrived at the North Sea station properly on time.

“PUSHERS” WANTED

31 musclebound young men and women arrived at the Hampton Bays headquarters on Monday to interview for the 30 summer positions being offered for part time subway pushers during the rush hours at six of our most crowded stations. Those accepted will go through a week of training to learn the ins and outs of pushing the crowds politely into the subway cars during those crowded times without injuring either themselves or others. The pushers wear padded vests, helmets, and boxing gloves so riders know who they are. One of the applicants changed his mind about applying when he learned of the requirements and left, and so we had 30 applicants for 30 jobs, so that turned out just fine.

SUGGESTION BOX

None of the suggestion boxes on any of the platforms contained any suggestions this past week, and it was decided that this coming week would be a good time to take all of them down, refurbish them, and give them a fresh paint job. That is why you will not see any of them on the walls this week.

GERMAN SHEPHERD BRIEFLY LOST

A large German shepherd named “Howdy” got out through the barbed wire fence surrounding the Montauk yard Wednesday night. Howdy and five others are highly trained and vicious dogs used in the yard to protect and defend the subway cars that are parked there every night from vandalism and worse. No vandalism occurred that night, and in the morning, “Howdy” was back at the front gate the yard and we let him back in.  He had a small letter Scotch taped to his collar which said that he had been helpful in chasing off a wolf that was menacing and had cornered a French poodle on Surfside Drive and the owner was very grateful. It was signed, “Howdy’s New Friend, Agnes Alouwiches.”

NEW SIGN ON THE SUBWAY

The new green and white signs have arrived and have been placed at the entrances to all our subway systems just next to the escalators going down from where they begin up there. All new signs on the subway system are to be green as the subway goes green. The signs read “No Sliding Down The Bannisters.” They were ordered to be put up by our legal department.

SUBWAY CLOSED FOR FUMIGATION

Next Wednesday, the subway system will close at midnight and not reopen until 7 a.m. the next morning so the teams of pest control people can get into the tunnels and spray to get rid of all the bugs and other crawly things in there for the upcoming summer season. The insects are hatching now. Boy, are they in for a surprise.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

21 of our employees had their birthdays yesterday and we congratulate each and every one of them, although there are just too many to list by name here. You can find out their names and give them congratulations yourself by visiting hamptonsubway.employeerelations.birthdays.list.org.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I was in my office in our Hampton Bays building from Monday to Friday promptly from 9 to 5 all this past week without having anything to do or having anybody visit me. All seems to be well on the subway system. This is not normal. I have called a staff meeting for Monday at 10 a.m. to make sure that all the stragglers are in at work here in the office at which time I will proceed to find out why this situation is taking place. It’s very spooky. I don’t get it.