Piping Plovers May Be Nesting on the Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Former President Joe Biden, visiting the Hamptons last week, was seen going down to the platform in Southampton, looking around, and then walking back up to Main Street. Mark Consuelos and Kelly Ripa were seen hand in hand on the Sag Harbor eastbound platform last Saturday afternoon. Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost were seen hand in hand on the Montauk westbound platform last Sunday morning.

TROUBLE FOR “SUBWAY”

President Donald Trump, who has for months tried to shut Hamptons Subway because of disagreements with his agenda, signed an executive order on Wednesday barring all foreigners from Subway. Since the lack of the letter “a” or “the” in the executive order makes it unclear whether this refers to the Subway restaurant chain, which has food kiosks on all the subway platforms, or it refers to the Hamptons Subway itself,  both entities are shaking in their boots until it’s figured out who this refers to or….both. The day after the order, the Subway food chain announced that they will now honor the president at every kiosk by changing the name of their Whopper Bologna Footlong to the Trump Bologna Footlong effective immediately, in the hopes that makes a difference.

PIPING PLOVER WORRIES

On three occasions now, motormen leaving East Hampton heading toward Wainscott have had to slow down to let a flock of what has turned out to be little piping plover birds fluttering across the tunnel from a storage room on one side of the tunnel to another storage room on the other side of the tunnel.

The first two times this happened, it was not clear what kind of birds these were, but on the third crossing, which happened last Monday at 4 p.m., the motorman driving the train was Howard Edison, whose hobby is birdwatching.  They are piping plovers.

Should these plovers set up a nest on the tracks, it might be necessary to shut down the entire system until the chicks hatch and fly off.  Keep your fingers crossed that that does not happen.

And no, it would be completely illegal to seal off the storage rooms.

PUSHER BOXING MATCHES

The summer pushers on the subway, those young people who gently herd all the customers from the platforms into the subway cars, are organizing a series of boxing matches.  They did this about three years ago and nobody got hurt. They’re inspired by the fact that while performing their work, they wear helmets, knee pads and boxing gloves. They’ve also grown quite fond of one another, thus the sporting event. Helen O’Grady, who was the sensation at these matches three years ago, no longer works for the subway.

BE CAREFUL WHAT GAMES YOU PLAY

Three young men, two age 18 and one age 19, were arrested by subway security officers for what appeared to be a kidnapping operation. The men, Bob Keller of 17 Manorville Blvd.  in Manorville, Teddy Fendergeist of 14 Rupert Lane in Amagansett, and Bill Stuart of 26 Flycatcher Lane in Noyac, were seen sitting on the subway as the train pulled into Shinnecock next to a fourth young man whose name is being withheld because he appeared to be the victim; he was blindfolded. All four were taken to the station house in Hampton Bays.

There, it was determined that this was a game. Apparently, the young man who was blindfolded said he could tell which station they were pulling into by the sound and feel it presented to him. He said he put the blindfold on himself. And the other three said he had been right for four out of five stations.

The victim was sent home. The other three young men were sentenced to watching four hours of safe driving videos at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

MOLD REMOVAL

The subway will open for business at 7 a.m. rather than 6 a.m. next Thursday because workmen will be down in the tunnels all night performing mold removal.

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY

Arlene Birkenstick, a token booth clerk in Southampton, celebrates her 40th birthday tomorrow. As everybody knows, she is sort of a lone wolf and has asked that there be no party for her.  The staff is happy to oblige.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The Hamptons Subway system is honored to have been selected as the mode of transportation for the valuable Two Forks silverware, recently auctioned off in Sotheby’s London for $19 million. The forks, the exact ones that King Charles I gave to the English explorer who discovered the Two Forks of Eastern Long Island in 1621, will be on display in a glass case at the Taste of Two Forks event celebrating food and wine from the restaurants of Eastern Long Island, held this summer.