Ask Beatty: The Challenge of Discovering 'You' in Your Next Phase of Life

For years you’ve had the same routine – the same friends, the same job, the same goals, lifestyle and the same dreams. You’ve eaten the same thing for breakfast for years – a banana, vanilla yogurt and coffee, taken the same route to work and ordered the same egg salad sandwich for lunch every day. Recently, you’ve begun to question whether you’re really living your life in ways that are in your best interest or whether you’ve been on autopilot for so long that you’ve lost yourself in your day to day ‘comfort zone’. It’s easy to get stuck. So don’t beat yourself up if and when you discover that a possible mindset and reset is exactly what you may need.

It’s important for people to routinely check in with themselves so as to ensure that they’re on track with their mental health, relationships, lifestyle, self-care as well as their goals and dreams. After all, nothing or no one remains stagnant. People need to become aware when ‘business as usual’ is no longer working and give themselves permission to pivot and make new and positive changes in their life.I recently received an email from Sienna, a 55 year old married mother of two college aged children.

Dear Beatty,

I think I’m going through a midlife crisis.  I’m starting to question everything. Although I love my husband and children, enjoy my job as an attorney and am truly grateful for everything in my life, I feel that something is missing. Although I’ve followed a certain path for years, it no longer feels right. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m doing what is expected. I feel like I’m living a lie. I’ve thought about quitting my job and taking some ‘me’ time to figure it out. I know that I probably sound like a spoiled, privileged, unappreciative woman. One thing do know for sure is that I’m not happy and I want and need  to figure this all out.   I would appreciate your thoughts and perspective.

 Sienna S.
Sag Harbor
New York City

Dear Sienna,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me.  I hope that I will be able to give you some perspective on what you’re going through right now. First of all- you do not sound like a spoiled, privileged or unappreciative woman.  You sound like someone who is honest enough and  sufficiently self aware to be willing to take a long, honest look at your life, relationships, career and hopes and dreams. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to do this. It’s scary because at this moment in time, you’re not sure what you’ll discover. And as we  know, change can be  both frightening and exhilarating. So you are on an honest path of assessment, reassessment and self-discovery. Very impressive!

So let’s begin your self-assessment. It will help you gain insight into what’s bothering you and why you’re not happy. Perhaps you may discover that you have ‘skeletons in your closet ‘ from your past or ‘unfinished business ‘ from your present that is getting in the way of your life and relationships. Answering these questions will help you better understand what’s missing from your life.

Mental Health

Aside from your wanting and needing to evaluate your current life and lifestyle, (which is a very positive thing to do), are you generally someone who is a  basically a  happy person, with no serious mental health issues including clinical depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, substance abuse of various kinds or a history of sexual/physical abuse?  If in fact you are suffering from any of these problems, it is vital that you tackle these issues with an experienced therapist  BEFORE making any major changes in you life.

Relationships

How is your relationship with your children, husband, family members, friends and colleagues? I remember how difficult it was for me when my daughter went away to college.  No matter how hard we try to prepare for our children leaving home, it nonetheless is a huge mental and emotional adjustment. How well are you adjusting to your ’empty nest? How is your marriage?  Are there any issues that you need to discuss with your husband that may be troubling you? Acknowledge, address and RESOLVE as best as we can (even though we can’t change our histories) is ‘the’ best advice that couples need to embrace if they hope to have a happy and healthy relationship. Do you have ‘unfinished business’  with other significant people in your life that you need to deal with?  The art of conversation can be both telling and healing. It always typically helps to tie up loose ends that can eat away at our spirit and mental health.

Self-Care

Are you taking good care of Sienna?  Are you getting sufficient sleep, exercise and sufficient alone time? How is your diet? Are the people who you interact with in your life on a regular basis supportive, kind, empathic and ‘available’?  Remember that a little bit of poison is still poison. So remember to eliminate all toxins from your life, including toxic people.

Goals and Dreams

Our goals and dreams can and do change at different phases of life.  It’s important to be true to yourself.  So give yourself permission to re-evaluate what’s important to you NOW! Sienna, congratulate yourself for going through this initial process of discovery.

Please let me know if I can be helpful.