Spinach Smoothies, Tax Breaks, Epstein & More Local Stories

The first job I got when I got out of college was as a copywriter at a big Manhattan ad agency (Foote Cone and Belding). I stayed a year. Mostly I wrote copy that appeared on the side of cereal boxes, praising what was inside.

There were rules about this. You couldn’t have something there that was untrue. The feds with the clipboards would come down hard if you did. Since then, I’ve developed the habit of reading what’s on the side of cereal boxes at the table to see what everybody’s doing.

For example, Florida’s Natural Orange Juice recently changed their copy. They used to write that they were a farmer’s cooperative since 1933, selling orange juice from their Florida groves. And it was true. Now, the bugs have completely devastated the orange groves in Florida. Florida’s Natural is now 92% orange juice from Brazil or Mexico. So they are basically in the import-export business. No farming.

“Fresh-from-the-grove flavor,” the container says. Doesn’t say which grove.

“Owned by Florida farmers.” Also, true. There’s a little American flag. That’s good.

“Florida’s Natural is a citrus cooperative that’s proudly owned by hundreds of hardworking Florida farmers and their families. Together, from tree to table, we’ve worked side-by-side for over five generations growing the tastiest citrus you can find.” Uh,-oh. “We still blend only the sweetest juiciest oranges from premier citrus-growing regions…” Where?   “…to bring the most delicious, freshest tasting juice to your table. Taste the difference our cooperative makes.”

They unload the steel containers containing the oranges from abroad. Am I being too mean?

I keep on the lookout for all this stuff.

Speaking of breakfast, it’s been said by the authorities that high-protein smoothies are a great way to start the day. My wife is one of these experts. She’s been making breakfast smoothies every morning for years out of grapefruit, spinach, cucumbers, yogurt, peas, bamboo and broccoli. Or whatever. The blender makes a loud noise. And she’s good.

“I’ll make you a smoothie in the morning if you like,” she told me.

My goal is different from hers. She wants muscle. I want weight gain. I spoke to a nutritionist.

“Drink a bottle of Ensure or Boost at breakfast. A smoothie? Put in ice cream or chocolate. Also whole milk.”

My wife made it. But it tasted funny.

“What’s in this?”

She confessed. It was spinach.

I will now share with you my comeback.

I told her that it reminded me of when, as a teenager, I worked summers as the soda jerk in my dad’s store, White’s Pharmacy in Montauk. I made milk shakes, banana splits, malteds, and root beer floats.

“I’d make milkshakes like this,” I said. “But most of the customers asked me to hold the spinach.”

There you are.

Right now, in the news, President Donald Trump has an issue with convicted child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. My ad agency work kicks in again. Here’s what Trump ought to say but doesn’t.

“Me? With Epstein? Look. When I had sex with Stormy Daniels, I paid her off so she wouldn’t say anything. Epstein? Never paid him a dime. Look it up. I have nothing to hide.”

And here’s my advice for the Democrats. They keep saying Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill has “tax breaks” and “service cuts.” And everybody, instead of being horrified, says that makes sense. But they leave out some words. Say “tax breaks for the billionaires” and “service cuts for the poor.”

Finally, in the Hamptons these days, all the authorities are fighting with one another. And the few that want it to stop are getting nowhere. It’s awful. In Southampton, the town has filed a lawsuit demanding that the Shinnecock Nation stop building a gas station on the property they own adjacent to the Route 27. And the Town of Southampton’s legal bill in this action is reportedly more than $1.4 million — 2% of their annual budget.

Because of this, the Shinnecocks demanded that the tribal seal of the Shinnecock Indian Nation be removed from the wall from the town hearing room where it resided next to the seals of Sagaponack, Westhampton Beach and Sag Harbor Village. The town supervisor, did that but then said, “Can’t we just all get along?” Nope.

At the Amagansett School, officials accused the principal of stealing a $25 Christmas gift certificate from the mailbox of a teacher. That was 17 months ago. Now the school district has revealed that it spent more than $104,000 on legal fees for a New York State-mandated court hearing lasting eleven months that resulted in a decision that says no, she didn’t. Somebody else might have stolen it. You just can’t tell, because there were no witnesses. A member of the school board said, well, we have to move on.

Up at Conscience Point where the first English settlers landed to set up the town of Southampton, four different nonprofits are sitting side by side, each desiring to make this landing spot a sacred place. Now, one of them has filed a lawsuit against a second one claiming that this second one conspired with a third one to take away an acre of the first one’s land and, furthermore, secretly wishes to sell the whole thing to developers.  Rise up and prevent this, people! As a result, a member of the town board asked why they couldn’t just sit down and thrash all this out? Nope.

Finally, in Southold Town, the police woke up employees of the Fishers Island Ferry District in the middle of the night to forcibly remove them from a house they were supposed to leave so the police could move in. The ferry service people had changed the locks on the doors, but the police, allegedly using crowbars, broke in anyway.

In May, the ferry service filed a lawsuit demanding $2 million for their employees’ humiliation. Both sets of employees receive their paychecks from the town. Well — and this helped me calm down — here was a 15-second video on YouTube. Facing the camera was a girl who looked about 17.

“You’re probably wondering now that summer is here when you should apply your sunblock. So I asked an expert. Jane? What’s the answer?”

Jane appears. Also about 17.“In the morning, after you put on your cleanser, then put on your foundation, then your moisturizer, then your sunblock and finally, last, your make up.”She recommended particular brands of each.

Good advertising, if you ask me. After I shave, I’m gonna try it.