Dear Beatty: Three Women Ask for Advice About Affairs

For over 35 years I have been a practicing psychotherapist, sex therapist, author, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and advice columnist. Fifty percent of the people who contact me, do so because they have discovered that their spouse is having an extramarital affair.

Extramarital Affair Statistics

In the United States studies show that between 25%-60% of Americans cheat on their spouses.

Male respondents in the 51-59 age group have the highest infidelity rate at 31%.

16% of women in their 60s reported infidelity – the highest rate among female respondents.

Studies estimate that 10% of affairs start online and 40% of online affairs turn into real-life affairs.

Although cheating was once considered primarily a male activity, the incidence of women cheating has continued to climb.

Reasons Why People Cheat

There are many reasons why people have affairs including:

Marital dissatisfaction.

Sexual dissatisfaction.

A desire for variety. (“I love my spouse, but…”)

A surprise unanticipated encounter that turns into an affair.

Do I still have it? A need for validation from someone other than my spouse.

My spouse has a chronic illness and I need some emotional and physical intimacy.

Retaliation: I want to punish my spouse for having an affair.

Plain and simple: sexual chemistry.

Consciously or unconsciously – affairs are wake-up calls that something is amiss in the marriage!

Sylvia, Sabrina, Angela

I recently received three letters from very distraught women who discovered that their spouses were having an extramarital affair:

Sylvia

Dear Beatty,

Shawn and I have been married for almost 40 years. We have two married daughters and grandchildren. Last year I discovered that my husband was having an affair. We have several homes around the world and the private investigator who I eventually hired discovered that my husband’s “mistress” was living in one of our beach houses in Mexico. Apparently, this affair has been going on for almost two years.

When I confronted him, he told me that he still loved me and had made a big mistake. He promised to end the relationship immediately and do everything possible to try and mend our marriage. He even agreed to marriage counseling.

It’s been eight months and the woman is still living in our home. As for the marriage counseling, my husband canceled half of our appointments. You probably think I’m crazy, but I still love him. I’m 65 and, frankly, I’m afraid to be alone and start over.

What do you think I should do?

Sylvie B., East Hampton

Sabrina

Dear Beatty,

I recently discovered that my husband Jon, the love of my life for the past 20 years, has been secretly having an ongoing affair with his business partner Suzanne. Suzanne is also married. She and I have been close friends for years. The four of us frequently socialize and travel together.

I am devastated. I can barely get out of bed. One moment I’m in tears, the next – I have feelings of rage that I have never experienced before. I’m beating myself up for not having recognized the signs. The truth is – there were no obvious signs or red flags – or at least I didn’t see any.

Although our sex life is not what it used to be, we still do have sex every couple of weeks. I really thought we were happy. Our three children know that something is wrong, since I’m clearly not my usual happy self.

I’ve yet to confront my husband. What should I do? What should I say? How best to handle this nightmare? I still love my husband and will do anything to save my marriage.

Sabrina K., Bridgehampton / Upper East Side

Angela

Dear Beatty,

I am a 65-year-old married nurse practitioner who has been married to Gavin, 72, a financial analyst, for almost 35 years. Our primary residence is on the Upper East Side in New York City. During the summer months we vacation at our Southampton beach house along with our adult children and grandchildren. On the surface our life seems idyllic.

However, my husband has had numerous affairs over the years. Despite this, we made the decision to remain married. In the past, the majority of Gavin’s affairs were short-lived. Two years ago he met a woman who he fell in love with. I found out about this affair after hiring a private detective.

This was the final straw. I finally mustered the strength and made the decision to file for divorce. No sooner than I hired the divorce attorney, my husband begged me to give him another chance. He promised to end the affair and do everything and anything to gain her trust. He told me how much he loved me and promised to be the husband that I deserve.

Do you think I should give him another chance?

Angela T., Bridgehampton / Beverly Hills, CA

Should I stay or should I go?

For these three women and their spouses and others in similar situations, there are many things that need to be considered:

Do we still love each other? Will I ever be able to forgive? Should we get a divorce? Should we try to mend our marriage? Should we try counseling?

The reality is that whether couples choose to stay together or divorce, expect there to be lots of ups and downs. People can learn over time to forgive. However, they will never forget.

The couples that I work with are usually able to acknowledge that their marriages have been coasting along for many years. The reality is that children, careers, and financial concerns, coupled with the pressures of day-to-day living, almost always occupy the number one spot in people’s lives. The couple frequently gets lost in the mix.

If a couple is sincerely in mending their marriage, they need to be willing to work with a competent marital therapist who can help them to fully understand what happened and more importantly, guide them in how best to move forward.

On the other hand, if a couple decides to divorce, both parties need to legally protect themselves in terms of finances (including possible hidden money), custody, visitation, alimony and child support. If there’s been infidelity in a marriage, you don’t know what other surprises you may discover. Divorcing ‘well’ if at all possible should always be the goal, particularly when children are involved.

The vast majority of couples who have worked with me chose not to divorce. Rather, they put their time, money and energy into trying to create a ‘new’ marriage. In fact, many couples have told me that their marriages were happier and stronger and more sexually and emotionally satisfying after the affair. They were committed to turning their crisis into a new opportunity for commitment, love and growth. The good news is that most were successful.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the path to Lasting Love, advice columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.