Hamptons Subway Hosts Madonna & Dance Crew

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Commissioner Bill Aspinall and his wife Agnes made their annual tour of all the subway stops, as they do every year on the anniversary of the discovery of this subway system. It was originally built in secret to store New York City Subway building supplies in 1932, but then discovered on Oct. 1, 2006, by workmen in Sag Harbor digging to see how far down a Superfund oil spill had leaked.

The commissioner and his missus were greeted by happy throngs at every stop, where one after the other, they would get off onto the platform, shake some hands, then get on the next train to the next station. At some platforms it was asked if he was accompanied by his good friend President Donald Trump and so had to tell people that the president was too busy in Washington to attend the event. The Aspinalls completed the circuit and got back to Hampton Bays in less than four hours, and then repaired to the rooftop of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays for some well-earned massages in the spa tent up there that will be coming down on Oct. 31 as the weather worsens.

GIRAFFE

Trains were delayed for 20 minutes on Tuesday as environmentalists worked to clear a giraffe out of the tunnel between Westhampton and Quiogue. There must be quite a story attached to how he got there.  He was eating some really nasty stuff off the ceiling of the tunnel adjacent to the electric lights. It was easy to get him up and onto the platform at Westhampton, but hell getting him up the escalator to the street. Nine environmentalists participated.

HIFF SCREENS IN SUBWAY CARS

As advertised last week, giant TV screens have been set up in all the subway cars so straphangers can watch certain movie premieres taking place at the Hamptons International Film Festival (HIFF) during its final five days.All together we mustered more than 145 screens on loan to us from P.C. Richards in Southampton and our hat is off to them. Of course, some riders were in the cars as we tested the screens and when they refused to leave after seeing the beginnings but not the endings of certain films, they had to be forcibly removed.

MADONNA REHEARSED HERE

The Hamptons Subway was the proud host of all the practice sessions done by Madonna and her 90-person dance and music group for the upcoming 7th inning stretch performance that will, for the first time, be held on World Series opening day, wherever that place is. (That should be known by Oct. 13.) We couldn’t tell you about this until now for fear that our famous Bridgehampton resident would be mobbed underground. Her practice sessions were done in Warehouse No. 33 that you enter through a pair of big doorways in the darkness of the subway tunnel between East Hampton and Bridgehampton on the south side. It is to be designated as a state historic shrine to the Material Girl from now on and it will not be occupied by anything other than the few bits of glitter that Madonna and her troupe will leave behind there until the end of time.

SUBWAY WHISTLE

After numerous complaints about the subway trains sneaking up into the stations while the straphangers on the platform are reading Dan’s Papers or surfing the web resulting in the trains coming and going without the passengers getting on, it was decided by the Subway Board of Directors to put a whistle on the front subway car of each train that could be operated by the motorman.

We thought that as the noise level on the platforms is loud, the sound ought to be even louder and so, as a test last Thursday we installed a powerful speaker and amplifier system able to pump out the wailing sound of an old-fashioned steam engine railroad whistle at a staggering 140 decibels on one of the trains. As it came into the Amagansett station, its screech and hiss sent everyone on the platform running for cover. We’ll try something else next week.

NOTE TO EVENT PLANNERS

This is the time of year when event planners choose the venues for their upcoming “do’s,” such as fundraisers, weddings and cultural events. The Hamptons Subway offers a unique series of spaces for these events, and for a fee will either shut down the system for a few hours to accommodate them or perhaps have them in some subway cars as they race around and around the system for a more exciting time. Inquire by calling the Hampton Subway office in Hampton Bays.

DOOR JAM DELAY

There have been more instances of sliding doors jamming on the subways and there’s been enough of this to consider that this might be some sort of vandalism or protest to make one sort of point or another. For the next few days, Homeland Security will be setting up at all the turnstiles and what we’re told is that they will be asking all subway users to go through the turnstiles with their shoes off.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I flew in from Rio de Janeiro last Friday and spent all day Saturday at home in Southampton recovering from jet lag. When a friend came over to cheer me up he pointed out that there is no jet lag between East Hampton and Rio so now I don’t know what the hell is wrong. I won’t be in the office until Monday and maybe not even then.