Hamptons Subway Ridership Hits Record Low

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Actor Ethan Hawke was seen on the Hamptons Subway going eastbound toward East Hampton where he was scheduled to speak at the Hamptons International Film Festival last Friday.

FEW RIDERS

Last week had the least amount of riders going the least amount of miles since this newsletter has been keeping track of such things. (That’s been since the spring of 2009. Before that records were kept but nobody has been able to find them.) Many say the fewer numbers of riders was because of the good weather we owe to global warming this fall and the decision by riders to walk to where they wanted to go rather than take the subway. We hope this situation does not continue.

NEW MARKETING DIRECTOR NAMED

Gladys Ferguson, who has had a long and distinguished career during the last three years working, improving and getting publicity for 17 different companies during that time, one after another, each one for just a few months until they were on to her, should be given a round of applause and a warm welcome to the Hamptons Subway fold. So says our commissioner. We hope she enjoys a long association with Hamptons Subway and when she filed all her paperwork we learned that her birthday is Oct. 28, so be prepared for the regulation cake and singing of Happy Birthday at lunchtime in the cafeteria on that day.

NEW SLOGANS

The first thing that Ms. Ferguson has done in taking up her new post is to have all the slogans put up on all the subway walls by her immediate predecessor Charlie Chan that read, “Why go to the beach when you can ride the subway?” and “Hamptons subway is harmful UA and UB radiation free. Why take a risk?” taken down. She is having them replaced with signs that read “Thanks for coming.” They don’t say for what, but it obviously means thanks for coming on the subway, she reveals (it’s the whole idea).

TURNS OUT TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD DID MAKE ARRESTS

Last Saturday night, the Texas National Guard, who were here on our subway platforms by mistake instead of in Chicago because of a paperwork mix-up, did remove and detain various musical performers and people with ideas who were down on the platforms doing their thing, but without a permit. Rounded up and imprisoned were a juggler, a man with a soapbox promoting communism, a hip-hop band, a group of Arabian acrobats, a Polish polka band, a string quartet, a trapeze troupe, a folk singer, a flea circus, and a break-dancing performance group. All were taken off to jail for failing to obtain a permit. They were arraigned the following morning. Four groups, for whom it turned out they did have the proper permits, were a conga line on the Amagansett platform, the drumming marching band called Saba Boom on the Sag Harbor platform, a Portuguese fado singer on the Southampton platform and a graffiti artist on the Quogue platform.

At the morning arraignment, all nine groups arrested played short 5-minute performances for a federal judge newly appointed by President Donald Trump to the 1st District who got into some serious toe-tapping and then ordered them all back to their cells to await a trial that he scheduled for Nov. 6. The fate of the four groups that had the proper permits will be decided upon at that time also.

Meanwhile, the Texas National Guard, 500 men carrying batons, pistols and assault rifles, were given the correct paperwork and so were subsequently goose stepped double-time to Gabreski Airport on Sunday morning at 5 a.m. and flown to Chicago to face off against protesters there as they were supposed to have been doing.

ANIMALS

Due to the shortage of riders on the Hamptons Subway trains this past week, many creatures have been seen on or alongside the tracks apparently having come out of the warehouses and storage rooms alongside the tunnels to see what is going on. It has delayed some trains by as much as 30 minutes to get the tracks clear. Among the animals spotted (and chased off) have been raccoons, a cow, two red foxes, a black bear, a giant rat, a thoroughbred horse left behind after Labor Day weekend’s Hampton Classic Horse show and a red-breasted South American tortoise weighing 22 pounds which we are told is the first of its kind, a new species. The commissioner wants the new species to be named Hamptonus Subwayatus Trumpamongus.

NEW SUBWAY HORNS

All subway trains now have auto horns in the lead car. If you hear it honking, try to find a seat or hold on tight.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am here in Manhattan negotiating with Mayor Eric Adams about buying the New York Subway System. It is losing money hand over fist and he’s anxious to get rid of it, and I think I can get it for a dollar. I want to thank the mayor for taking the time to talk to me about this. And I would also like to thank that team of 12 employees of Hamptons Subway who came to New York City to find me after hearing I had gotten lost somewhere in the New York System while taking the trains all over the place just to get a feel of what this system will be like under my tutelage. I was in Staten Island, I think, or Nassau County. I’m still not sure.