Hamptons Subway Hosts NYC Subway Wedding on Southampton Platform

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Except for one person, the subway was unused all week because nobody was willing to spend $23,412 a ride except for this one man whose whole family got him a trip on the subway as a birthday present. He asked that we not use his name, Joe Trappola, so we won’t use it.

FARE NEGOTIATIONS

Last week, after Hamptons Subway bought the New York Subway system for $1, we were at first overjoyed.  Here we were, the proud owners of a system nearly a thousand times the size of its parent corporation.   It was like Jonah ate the whale. As everybody knows, in order to deal with the payroll of the New York Subway system, we had to increase the cost of a ride on the Hamptons Subway from $2 to $23,412 because that is what would be needed on a day-to-day basis to pay for the $300 million annual deficit the New York Subway accumulates, which is now ours, and, as a condition of the purchase, we had to agree not to change anything on the New York Subway system for three months. Mayor Eric Adams drives a hard bargain.

At the present time, the board of directors of Hamptons Subway is meeting to determine what we should do now that none of the riders on Hamptons Subway seem to be able to shoulder the burden of the New York system. It’s expected that they will have an answer very soon. Meanwhile, all of us sit expectantly at our posts, hoping and waiting with our fingers crossed.   We’re told that smoke will come out of the chimney of the Hamptons Subway headquarters building in Hampton Bays when a decision is reached, but so far, nothing.

ROCKET TRAIN

During this quiet interval, the Hamptons Subway took possession of two rocket trains made in Arkansas by the Yakitumi Corporation in Japan to the specifications of the rocket trains that are in use in that country. We’ve had them out on the tracks but we have not been able to get them going. They will either not start – the starter engines eventually wear down the batteries – or if they do start they belch this fluorescent green smoke out the back which has so far resulted in seven subway employees being hospitalized with respiratory problems, one of whom was so sick he died.

When these few kinks are worked out, the rocket train will be our fast express train, which, at the moment, we do not have. All our current trains have top speeds of 32 miles an hour. The rocket train will make limited stops but go around the system at a steady 145 miles an hour, passing our old stodgy local trains as they sit in the double-track area at the platforms. The rocket train will stop only at Montauk, East Hampton, Southampton and Westhampton Beach and then back again, the round trip taking only 12 minutes.

TWO TIE THE KNOT

Two employees of the New York City Subway system were married on the Southampton platform of Hamptons Subway last Thursday at noon with Commissioner Bill Aspinall officiating. They are Phyllis Doppelganger, a mid-level clerk supervisor in the service department and Bob Harvey, an assistant to an assistant vice president in billing.  They met at a New York Subway Union 43 Meeting. They will honeymoon in Paris for two weeks, the whole thing paid for by their disability benefits.

SMOKER SUES

There is no tobacco smoking on the subway system. Signs are posted everywhere. Nevertheless, a woman caught smoking on the sidewalk at the entrance stairs to Hamptons Subway says she was humiliated and harmed by subway officers for doing so has now filed a $4 million lawsuit against Hamptons Subway.

The incident in question occurred last Aug. 23. The woman was leaning on the railing at the top of the stairs and a subway official saw her light a cigarette and took the appropriate action as described in the Hamptons Subway Handbook. The official took a fire extinguisher down from the subway wall and hosed the woman down with firefighting foam.

The sad thing about this is that it has been intended that this directive in the handbook be repealed. The directive was originally put into effect in 2017 when the ban on smoking on the subway began. Within a week, another woman, not this woman, was hosed down and sued Hamptons Subway for $3 million for ruining an expensive pair of Manolo Blatnik shoes and an outfit by Victoria Versace. Hamptons Subway settled with her for an undisclosed amount. The week after the settlement, it was decided to end this cruel and inhuman punishment, but the board never got around to bringing the matter to a vote. And so now, we have this.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am on a vaping break from the board meeting of Hamptons Subway where we are trying to figure out what to do about the purchase we made of the New York Subway system. One of the things on the table is selling off the Lexington Line to the Toronto Subway system. We’ve contacted them. It’s in the works. If they were to buy it, they’d have to pay a 30% tariff for any trip on that line since it would be owned by a Canadian firm. More later.