Hamptons Subway Creates Special Cars for the Rich

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Joey Gonzalez from Joey’s Boot Camp was seen on the subway Saturday between Bridgehampton and Water Mill. Our source tells us he is looking for a location for his famous workout studio here. He was sitting there, flexing. Also seen on the subway Saturday were actors Ethan Hawke and Jodie Foster, looking fine, traveling from East Hampton to Amagansett.

VANDALISM AT MONTAUK

Graffiti artists dug a tunnel under the barbed wire at 2 a.m. Thursday morning, gave Benadryl to the German shepherds and spray-painted one of our subway cars white, with pink polka dots. What were these thugs thinking? This is graffiti? Commissioner Bill Aspinall says that he is going to take this car out of service until summer when he will use it as the lead car on the beach spur which takes people from the downtown Southampton station to Coopers Beach.

OFFICIAL BIRD

New Marketing Director Carl Besmith who last week came up with the sensational idea of producing a glossy pamphlet about the subway service, has this week announced, with the commissioner’s approval, a contest to name the Hampton Subway official bird. Straphangers can vote for either the common grey seagull, the piping plover, the osprey or the Montauk spotted owl. Just write down on a piece of paper the name of the bird you wish to vote for and put it in the suggestion box on the wall at any subway platform. At the top of your entry, write the weird, wavy word you sometimes have to write when entering a new password on the internet to prove you are voting only once. The weird wavy word is posted on a white card, a new one every day, just above the suggestion box. Also, Director Besmith is this year is reviving the annual giveaway of a 50-pound frozen turkey to everyone who comes through the turnstiles to board the trains next Tuesday. It’s whether you like it or not. So be ready. 6 a.m. to 4 p.m.

DELAY CAUSED BY PIPING PLOVER

The subway system came to a halt for two hours last Wednesday when an ornithologist on board reported seeing a single piping plover nesting in a niche of a subway wall between Southampton and Water Mill. The plovers, an endangered species of little birds, are now leaving for their sojourn down to the South. They are, of course, completely protected and have priority to nest wherever they want without being disturbed – which means nobody is allowed to come within 20 feet of them and they put up fencing for that.

Most plovers come in pairs and nest at the beach, so it decided after consultations with the Environmental Protection Society, The Nature Conservancy and the National Transportation Board that because the subway must go on for economic reasons – having it not go on could trigger a recession – the single plover must have lost her way and nested here inappropriately. She was netted and brought down to the beach and, to locate her mate which only she could do, released into the wild there. With a sigh of relief, the trains were on the move again.

AGNES GRETCH ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY

Agnes Gretch, the longtime librarian at the Water Mill Library has flung down her gauntlet to announce she will oppose Commissioner Bill Aspinall in the next election for Subway Commissioner. “Mr. Aspinall’s purchase of the New York City Subway System three weeks ago was a mistake I would never have made,” she said. “As Ben Franklin said when he founded Hamptons Subway, ‘I only have one life I can give for my country’ and I am prepared to give that life.”

Commissioner Aspinall says that he knows of no policy that requires there be an election for the Commissioner’s post. Hamptons Subway is a private firm and he was appointed by the board of directors who have the power to hire or fire him. He’s ordered that everything she says be expunged from the records, especially things she has said about him.

SPECIAL SUBWAY CARS FOR THE RICH

Hamptons Subway will, beginning May 1, allow rich people or anybody else for that matter, to have their own special subway car to ride in so nobody can bother them. The special cars will be stored at the regular yards and will be brand new cars that the Commissioner will order designed to the desired specifications. Inquiries can be made about this at the Hampton Subway office in Hampton Bays with our new young concierge intern, Alice Patch. Hampton Subway has purchased a 20-acre parcel of land adjacent to the subway yards from the Long Island Railroad and is surrounding it with barbed wire and German shepherds to accommodate the new cars which will be stored, of course, unlike the others, in a garage.

“When a celebrity or special person wishes to use the car,” said the Commissioner, “all he has to do is call in with a half hour notice and it will be hooked up to the back of a subway train and brought to the station requested.”

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am very proud of our new public relations director, coming up with the idea for a tourist pamphlet right off the mark. He also, without permission but I guess just from enthusiasm, put up a movie screen on the Southampton platform so that the straphangers would have something to watch while waiting for the train. The film, on an infinite loop, is a tour of the train system as explained in the new brochure, and it also includes important historical footage, such as President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin walking hand in hand down the escalator in Westhampton. But I had to put a stop to it because the crowds were blocking the access to the trains. I commend him for his effort, though.