The Hamptons What the Hell Bus

People here in the Hamptons may have noticed a red, white and blue bus being driven around this community during the past few months that features the words “What the Hell” in gold letters on its side.

Bill Atkinson, the mayor of the Hamptons, held a press conference last Saturday to announce that the driver of the What the Hell bus has been detained by the police.

“We are detaining a man named William Howard Soothem,” the mayor announced. “Originally our intention was to arrest. But now, after listening to him about his ‘rights’ and a lawsuit nearly 400 lawyers he represents will each file against the town if we do that, we have decided instead to just detain him as a person of interest.”

Soothem, it turns out, rides around the Hamptons looking to persuade residents here to file lawsuits rather than meeting with others to work out differences cheerfully. His lawyers provide the firepower.

“He’s been very successful at this,” the mayor said. “It’s very disruptive. But with all the surveillance cameras that monitor the streets everywhere, we’ve been able to track him.”

In recent months, Soothem has parked his What the Hell bus in a lot at the Southampton Historical Society, the Maidstone Gun Club, the East Hampton Planning Board, the Shinnecock Nation and  other places, after which, outrage and lawsuits occur.

Last January, the What the Hell bus was parked near the Southampton History Museum. A month later, the History Museum filed a lawsuit against the Town of Southampton, Suffolk County, and the Conscience Point Shellfish Hatchery. It claims that these entities conspired with one another to steal a one-acre site that belonged to the History Museum near where the settlers landed in North Sea.

In February, the What the Hell bus was parked at the Amagansett School after which officials there lawyered up to accuse the principal of stealing a $25 gift certificate intended for a teacher. Over a hundred thousand dollars in legal fees were paid until that got worked out.

And in March the What the Hell bus was seen at a construction site on Abrahams Path in Springs where the principals of two architectural firms were discussing plans to build a senior citizen’s center. Less than a week later, one of the architects sued the other, and a week after that, the other architect filed a countersuit. The result is that the town has decided not to build the senior center.

In April, after the What the Hell bus was parked at East Hampton Airport for a day, an airline sued the owners of the airport saying that the airport had refused to allow them to assist their passengers getting on and off the planes.

And in May, after the What the Hell bus was parked at East Hampton Town Hall, the town announced that it would be joining with Southampton Town in suing the Shinnecock Nation, demanding that the tribe cease and desist building a gas station and rest stop plaza on land they own along the Sunrise Highway. They lack permits. Then, after the bus was parked on the powwow grounds, the Shinnecock, countersued saying that as a separate country, they do not need U.S. permits.

In June, the What the Hell bus was parked on County Road 39 in front of an empty retail store where prospective tenants were supervising construction of a cannabis store to sell medical and nonmedical marijuana. A week later, the tenants filed a lawsuit against the town demanding that the town give them a certificate of occupancy permit. The town had refused to do so, saying a town law prohibits selling drugs close to a school. Since then more lawsuits have flown back and forth.

Then, in August, after What the Hell parked on Bluff Road in Amagansett in front of the East Hampton Town Trustees office, a lawsuit was filed against the State of New York stating that citizens of East Hampton Town had the right to access the beach in vehicles at Napeague in order to go fishing on beachfront that had been ruled private property.

And in September, the What the Hell bus was parked in front of a Montauk fishing boat captain’s home, after which the captain filed a lawsuit against the East Hampton Town Trustees, demanding that his permit to dock in a town-owned slip be restored even though he had been convicted of a felony by exceeding the maximum number of fish allowed to be caught over and over on different fishing trips.

“All of this could have been avoided,” said the Hamptons mayor, “if the “What the Hell” bus hadn’t been driving around the area turning what had earlier been gentlemanly discussions leading to a compromise solution into massive legal actions.

The mayor also said that Soothem is not allowed to make his one phone call.  He told the mayor that his one phone call would result in more than 200 lawsuits against the town for his “illegal” detention.

“I don’t know where this is going to lead,” the mayor said at the end of his press conference. He did not take questions.

An attempt was made by this reporter to conduct a face-to-face interview with Soothem, but he declined. He would only do it by Zoom. But how could we be sure if the person on the computer screen was him? We declined.

Instead, we interviewed the chief of psychiatry at Stony Brook University’s Southampton Campus who explained that it’s happening everywhere.

“When people see one another in person,” he told us, “they are more open to a  compromise. But with everything online in two dimensions, that doesn’t happen.”

He also told us not to use his name. If we did, he would sue us.

AS WE GO TO PRESS: Less than an hour ago, Soothem was released from detention, wearing an ankle bracelet. In the coming months, if you see the What the Hell bus anywhere in the Hamptons, please report it to 911. But do not under any circumstances identify yourself. Your report of his presence will be kept confidential, but there is only so much we can do.

Upon his release, Soothem said he’ll be filing lawsuits declaring that excessive force was used in his arrest. All these suits are being filed in federal court in Goose Egg, Montana, his home.