Ask Beatty: What to Do When People in Your Life Have No Desire to Work Things Out?

”Try to see it my way
Do I have to keep on talking ’til I can’t go on?
While you see it your way
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone
We can work it out
We can work it out”

– Song by The Beatles

I’m routinely asked what I think are the most important ingredients that make or break relationships.  Some might say that the best relationships – including personal, professional and political, function at the highest level when people exhibit mutual respect, trust, open, shared values, honest and open communication, empathy and a supportive environment- where individuals feel valued and understood.   Unfortunately, the reality is that many people are becoming more and more polarized and divisive in their thinking- with oftentimes little desire to work things out.  The reality of the ‘I’m right- you’re wrong’ -all or nothing thinking, is a recipe for loneliness, depression, alienation, discord and on-going never-ending wars.

So if you’re looking for a partner, a friend, a colleague or an organization or company to join, be mindful of whether communication and problem-solving are priorities. It’s very important that people discover sooner rather than later, how others in their life respond to differences and conflict. In doing so, we hopefully can give ourselves permission to not invest time, emotion and enery in relationships where people have little if any interest in coming up with ‘win/win’ resolutions when problems arise- as they invariably do.

Family Estrangement

Who could have ever imagined that 27% of adult children are estranged from at least one family member, with a cult-like support systen that encourages cut-off rather than repair? Although some adult children have every good reason to not want to connect with their parents, I believe that the majority of parents and children could benefit from family therapy, with a neutral family therapist who could help mediate the family conflict. In my practice one of the common themes that I have heard most often from adult children who chose estrangement, is their regret for not opting to at least try to reconcile with their families. So think long and hard before throwing your family away. Ultimately, the choice is yours.  Make it a good one.

Cooperation Begins at an Early Age

From a very early age, we as parents and teachers and religious leaders have a responsibilty to teach our children about the importance of finding ways to get along. This mindset can be easily reinforced in the playgrounds, at home, at synagogues, churches, mosques and at school. Instead of only focusing on winning, perhaps extra gold stars and grades could be given to children who are encouraged to incorporate a win/win, co-operative mindset. These early lessons prepare them to better negotiate and deal with the ups and downs of life as adults.

I recently received a number of emails from both men and women asking my advice about what to do when the people that they love have no desire whatsoever to work things out.

Dear Beatty,

My daughter and I have been estranged off and on, for almost 20 years. The times that we seemingly get along are times when I am willing to accept her ongoing criticisim of me without challenging her and her ongoing disresepect. She is not interested in my perspective and clearly unconcerned about how she continues to hurt me.  She’s been in therapy over the years and yet is unable or unwilling to try and really work things out with me. This is not my usual pattern in how I deal with people. I would never allow anyone to treat me in the way that she does. We’ve gone for many months and years without any contact. Invariably, it’s always me who reaches out and hopes for a different outcome. I know that I need to give myself permission to no longer engage in this destructive and self-destructive relationship. And  yet, I continue to try.  I really would appreciate your professional thoughts on this situation.

Ben K.
Southhampton

Dear Ben,

I am so sorry that after all these years of trying, that your reltionship with your daughter has not improved. The question of course, is when is enough enough – especially when it involves our children? It sounds as if you’ve done your very best.  Allowing her to continue to hurt you is neither helpful to you or her. After all these years I would tell her that unless she can treat you with the love and respect that you deserve, that you regretfully, will no longer be able to see her. The ball really is in her court!  I wish you luck and inner peace.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.