Dan Gasby Honors B. Smith’s Legacy with New Alzheimer’s Caregiving Podcast

Dan Gasby is on a mission, a mission that starts and ends with love for his late wife Barbara “B.” Smith, the entrepreneur, restaurateur, cookbook author, style maven and influencer.

Gasby is hosting caregiving experts from East End Hospice for the podcast called “Before I Forget,” which will be on all podcast channels. “It is important to let people who are going through an Alzheimer’s journey know that no one gets out alive,” Gasby said. Smith died Feb. 22, 2020, of Alzheimer’s-related illness. Gasby and their daughter from his first marriage were her primary caregivers.

“We were together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week,” Gasby says. The two were married for 28 years and lived in East Hampton. “I don’t think there is enough emphasis on what caregivers go through when taking care of a relative. Until you go through it, you don’t understand how much it takes and how much it takes out of you. All caregivers lose themselves at some point.”

Gasby says that B. realized there was something wrong before Gasby would allow himself to do the same.

“She said she didn’t feel right, like a mirror had been broken and put back together,” Gasby remembers. “At some point, you’re forced to see it. You have to let go of all those dreams you had for the two of you. You have to accept that you will eventually be the caregiver of someone who will be totally dependent upon you.”

Gasby says that is why he wants to take part in the podcast, because of how much East End Hospice helped him and his daughter through that final stage. Before they got to that point, he learned a lot about Alzheimer’s and gained an understanding that virtually everyone will eventually become a caregiver.

“Some people won’t want to do it, some can’t do it, and some just won’t know how to handle it,” says Gasby, who fell into the camp of wanting to handle everything.

“The thing about Alzheimer’s is that it is a slow-rolling death,” says Gasby, who added that B. was in hospice for more than 12 months. “The last twelve of our twenty-eight years together, I was her caregiver. It is one of the great challenges a family will face. I understand that some people cannot handle it, but I made a commitment to her. Now, I’ve made another commitment — to get the word out. Ten thousand people turn sixty-five every day. Every sixty seconds, someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.”

Gasby says that one of the most frustrating, horrific things is that he had to learn that he couldn’t fix things.

“You have to understand that you can’t change the person,” Gasby says. “You can’t change them. You can’t fix them. You can’t teach them anything. You have to accept and understand that the person is devolving and unlearning things.  As a caregiver, you have to understand that being a caregiver exacts a terrible toll. You’re going to feel isolated even with someone in the room with you. You’ll feel loneliness. It will affect your health.”

He added that one of the hardest things was the people who thought it was their job to critique and criticize how he managed B.’s care.

“So many people critiqued without having all the information,” says Gasby, who said he felt under no obligation to give them all her information. “You could beat yourself up, but there are so many others who will do it for you.”

While he talks about some of the more painful parts of his caregiving journey, he says the podcast won’t be all about the painful, negative parts.

“It probably took more than two years to get over some parts of it,” Gasby said of the healing process. He says he is semi-retired but has a pretty busy schedule. He’s working on a documentary about B., and wanted to thank East End Hospice by participating in the podcast.

“I also want the listener to know her,” Gasby said. “She was my best friend. We could look at each other across a room and talk without saying a word. It was like Alzheimer’s peeled her like an onion. The loss of her left such a void in my life.”

He does have some things he wants anyone who listens to the podcast to walk away with: Don’t sugarcoat the situation to yourself. You’re in a war. Alzheimer’s is like a form of domestic terrorism. You can’t negotiate with the person who has Alzheimer’s. You have to maintain the person’s dignity to the best of your ability. And, you have to keep your sanity. It is easy to fall into bad habits as you try to cope.

“I want the podcast to offer listeners information, comfort, and hope,” Gasby says. “It will be OK to scream at some point and say you can’t do it anymore, and then go back and do it again. “

He hopes that listeners will be comfortable asking for help and understand that guilt is a wasted emotion.

“I reached out to East End Hospice for the podcast because of all they did to help us,” Gasby says. “They came in and helped us get organized. They were amazing. Our tanks were empty, and we were at our wits’ end. They were so kind. Hospice is so important to the process. They also advocated for B., for us. I guess what I hope people take away from the podcast is an understanding that you can make it through it.” 

Todd Shapiro is an award-winning publicist and associate publisher of Dan’s Papers.