Hamptons Subway Doesn't Run Great on Broccoli

Seen on the Hamptons Subway this past week humming a tune while riding from Georgica to East Hampton were Jon Bon Jovi and Dame Julie Andrews. This was on Thursday morning and Friday afternoon respectively, first one and then the other.

NEW SIGNAGE

After much urging, the State of New York has agreed to put signs up noting the existence of the Hamptons Subway entrances. For budgetary reasons, however, these signs will have another message on them since that will save some metal. The signs will read “Evacuation Route” on the top and “Hamptons Subway” below with an arrow pointing the way. This could cause some confusion because “Evacuation Route” refers to the roads that lead west and are best used to get off the East End in case of an emergency evacuation. Unfortunately, Hamptons Subway gets no farther west than Westhampton Beach. So it’s not an evacuation route. Oh well. As our commissioner says, half a loaf is better than none.

BIRTHDAY

Today is the birthday of Alice Washington, who worked here for a few weeks last fall as one of our many marketing publication directors before getting fired. She is still on our list of birthday people however, but she should have been taken off. This is an oversight. There will be no party with birthday cake and candles for her in the company cafeteria in our Hampton Bays office building therefore. So please don’t come expecting anything.

ANTIQUE SUBWAY CAR FOUND

An eighty year old subway car has been found on the Hampton Subway system in one of the underground warehouses that line the tunnels between the Shinnecock and Southampton stops. It’s date of manufacture is on it, which is 1928, on the plaque on the front right above the name of its manufacture, which is (was) the Calhoun Subway Car, Zephyr and Dirigible Mfg. Co., Dayton, Ohio. In its window is the information “D – Brooklyn Bridge.” It’s the D train from the Lexington Avenue line that has somehow got out here to Hamptons Subway.

Historians speculate that in 1931 when Ivan Kratz, the founder of Hamptons Subway, brought illegally gotten subway construction material out to the Hamptons to build this place, he also brought with him a New York City subway car from the Lex Line. Why is not known. But here it is.

FOUR DAY CLOSURE

The Southampton Station will be closing for a private party down on the platform beginning at 9 am next Wednesday morning February 18 and ending on Saturday February 21 at 3 p.m. The people who are holding this party are so important and so wealthy we cannot tell you who they are, but we can tell you Bad Bunny will play, Madonna and Taylor Swift will sing, the magician David Blaine will perform and there will be a reunion of The Beatles and Elvis. There is also a circus performance with horses, but its expected the manure will be hosed down and picked up before the station reopens. While the station is closed, get off in Water Mill or Shinnecock or make other transportation arrangements.

WINDMILL ARMS ON THE FRONT

There were more tourists and daytrippers using the subway this past year. We don’t know why. But Ms. Ferber, our dynamic new marketing director thinks we should do things to make the subway system into more of a tourist attraction. The Hamptons has 13 windmills. It’s absolutely unique in that regard. She suggests putting windmill arms on the front of each subway train – the wind will make them turn when the train is in motion – but Local 17 of the Subway Motorman’s Union has filed an objection to this idea, saying that in some circumstances, at a stop, a blade will come to a halt blocking the motorman’s view up the tracks and this could be a problem. Commissioner Aspinall is considering the matter.

THAT 4 HOUR DELAY TUESDAY

An attempt to save money by powering a subway train with a broccoli smoothie caused a four hour delay on Tuesday. There are six trains running on the system at any given time. Our Commissioner said if we try this new very inexpensive and environmentally friendly new fuel on just one of these trains what could go wrong? Well, a lot did, and we regret the error. The train ran fine all that morning, although it’s 2 mph slower top speed did slow things down a bit on the whole system, but then at 2 pm the engine blew. It happened in a narrow stretch, up by the sharp turn at Trout Pond in Noyac and there was no passing lane or track siding within two miles. A wrecker took an hour to get there, another hour to haul the train to a siding, then a third hour to pick up engine parts and a fourth to scrub the walls clean of broccoli bits which, some experts feared might be flammable.

NEW SANDWICH

Subway, the restaurant, which has all the little food concessions on the 14 major platforms in our system is coming out with a new sandwich. It’s ham and cheese with mayonnaise and a gherkin pickle sliced in half on a bagel. It’s called “The Hamptons Subway.” Watch for it.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The locating of a dusty, cobwebbed, antique subway car is very exciting to me. This is from the days when subway cars were just getting started. It has historic value. As soon as we get it cleaned up, we hope to have that warehouse underground made into a display place for this subway car, a museum if you will. On certain occasions our subway cars will stop at the entrance to this warehouse halfway between Shinnecock and Southampton so people can see what one of these things looks like.