Hamptons Subway Exploring New Silent Car

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Luann de Lesseps and Kelly Bensimon were seen on the westbound Bridgehampton platform heading west, moments after Hilaria Baldwin and Beth Stern boarded trains there heading eastbound. That was last Friday around 6 p.m.

NOISE-CANCELLING SUBWAY CAR A SUCCESS?

Everybody complains about the noise from the subway cars. There’s screeching and banging and bouncing around and roaring. Two weeks ago, scientists at the Setauket Institute announced the development of a noise-canceling room in the shape of a subway car. “It turns out that subway car architecture bounces sound off exactly opposite to what our noise-cancelling speakers emit,” said Dr. Frances Hopkinson of that institute.

Curious to try it out, a Hamptons Subway car was rigged out with the system and put in the line. We decided not to advertise it, to let the riders find it out by themselves. But those who got into the car found they could not hear any noise, not even the words a companion might be saying, and so, confused, soon fled. The car remains in service. There are people in that car now, but as it turns out, only the deaf.

STRAPHANGERS LAWSUITS

The experiment to have hanging leather straps in the subway aisles has been ended. Although many subway riders said they appreciated being able to grip them when the train rounded the corners, three personal damage lawsuits persuaded management otherwise.

In one case, a woman won $2 million after claiming that she was being discriminated against because she was too short to reach the straps. In a second case, a man got $1.24 million after claiming that a strap he was not holding had hit him on the head when the train went around a turn.

A third related case involved the new spotlights that we installed to shine down from the ceiling onto the gap between the platforms and the subway car so people can see the gap and avoid it. One woman complained that she had been injured when, looking at the gap, she was hit by the closing doors. Her award was $3.4 million. The spotlights have been removed.

NEW MIRRORED SUBWAY CARS COMING

At the request of several celebrities and socialites, one car with mirrors in the interior will be added to every train next week. The idea is that socialites going to fundraisers can see that their clothing and makeup are in order.

For the celebrities, the mirrors serve two purposes. One is that they can better admire themselves and the other is that flash photography by paparazzi will be impossible due to the light bounce, so they will pretty much have the time to themselves.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Joe McGintaugh, who takes out the garbage every morning at our Hampton Bays headquarters building on Ponquogue Avenue, will turn 54 on Thursday and everyone is invited to a birthday cake blowout in the cafeteria at 4 p.m.

Those who are providing the decorations, paper plates, plastic forks and cups and napkins say they will do the cleanup just this once.

NEW RULES FOR BOUNCING BALLS

Due to an upsurge in athletic activity this past autumn, a new ordinance had to be passed. Beginning Feb 28, the new law prohibits the naked display, bouncing, or throwing of athletic balls of any type on the subway. The definition of a bouncing ball is that if you drop it, it bounces. So for example, a bowling ball, if carried less than three feet above the floor, is exempt.

Balls entirely forbidden include softballs, soccer balls, basketballs, hardballs, ping-pong balls, exercise balls, rubber balls, Styrofoam balls, beach balls, footballs, tennis balls, golf balls, and volleyballs.

Bouncing balls can be a menace to people getting on or off subway cars, or walking or running to a train. Two weeks ago a woman tripped on a bouncing ball and almost fell off the platform. That was a settlement for a pretty penny, you may be sure.

Hamptons Subway regrets this decision, but please note that if a ball is in a zippered bag and not exposed to the outside, it is exempt. So keep your balls covered.

HELP WANTED

Token booth agent for the Hampton Bays station wanted. Best for someone who lives in Hampton Bays because they can walk to work (10 months a year anyway). Morning shift from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. Low pay but good benefits. Keep any tips.

You must be able to sit comfortably in an enclosed booth for a long period of time and be able to add and subtract and make change. Best if you are a woman, because mostly women work at these jobs so you would get along better. Call 631-844-3991.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I have just returned from Washington, D.C., after a meeting with President Donald Trump. We talked about America buying Hamptons Subway for a dollar. He said he needed it to be able to protect real Americans from being attacked by bad people from below.

He also showed me a new kind of American flag, which he had put in a closet just for the occasion of my visiting him, he said. Unfurling it, he pointed out that it had 54 stars on it instead of the usual 50.

He wants to make several new acquisitions of states to protect us.

You can’t go from 50 to 51, he said.

“Fifty one won’t give you a pattern of rows and columns,” he said. “Same is true with 52 and 53. But 54 can be a rectangle of nine by six. Which is what we’ve got here. That’s the goal.”

He said 51 is Greenland, 52 is Alaska and 53 is Venezuela.

“Defense will be there from every direction. But we’d need the 54th. Defense from below. Hamptons Subway. You will be well taken care of.”

Frankly, I was ready right then and there to sign. But then there was news that another protest had to be dealt with. And he had to run.

“Think about it,” he said. I said I would.