Ask Beatty: Honest Communication - Truth Will Set You Free

I routinely receive emails and telephone calls from both men and women who read my ASK BEATTY advice column in Dan’s Papers, who listen to my ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network, or who see me or hear me being interviewed on local and national radio and television. The following are examples of typical questions that I receive asking my advice about why their relationships never seem to work out. These examples demonstrate how unless we are in a good place ourselves emotionally, psychologically and psychiatrically and unless we are open and honest and willing to deal with our own ‘skeletons in the closet’ and ‘unfinished business’, it becomes almost impossible to have a successful relationship with anyone. This realization sets the stage for new and wonderful possibilities moving forward. So get on board for the adventure of your life!

THE IMPORTANCE OF LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE HONESTLY

Dear Beatty, Until I read your recent column in Dan’s Papers, “I Don’t Agree: Never Make a Mistake in Love Again,” I never realized why all of my past relationships never worked out. Your column gave me the kind of insight that I wished I had when I began my own dating and relationship life. I now am aware of how my own pattern of behavior has contributed to the demise of all of my relationships. Through this process I have learned the importance of communicating honestly in all of my relationships and be willing to let the chips fall where they may!

I grew up in a violent home. My parents argued continually. My father would routinely hit my mother when she would try to defend herself. I now realize that I unconsciously learned to rarely if ever express how I really felt- about almost everything. Fearful of being hurt emotionally or physically, I now can see why I remained silent or would say yes when I meant no- so as to not rock the boat. The idea of saying “I don’t agree with you” never crossed my mind. I would have been too afraid to utter those words. I now see as an adult how I have continued to behave like the compliant child- fearful of being abused. I never gave myself or my partners the opportunity to really get to know me- to discover how I felt about a variety of issues. It was as if I was always wearing a mask- too afraid for my partners to get to know the ‘real me’. My last relationship ended with my filing a restraining order against my boyfriend, who would routinely hit me when he had too much to drink. Over the three years that we were together, I made excuses for his behavior until one evening he hit me so hard that I ended up in the emergency room of a local hospital. That night that I met a social worker who recommended that I see a therapist. Although I was reluctant to do so, the therapy actually changed my life and saved me from further abuse.

“I Don’t Agree” has now become a familiar phrase that I use with friends, colleagues, family and boyfriends when disagreements arise- as they ultimately do in all relationships. Seeing how others react to this phrase has given me the confidence to know whether these relationships provide me with the support, security and safety that I need or whether I would be better off ending them.

Thank you for helping me find the real ME!Cynthia, East Hampton, New York

Dear Cynthia,I am so impressed that you gave yourself permission to reach out and get yourself some good professional help. Sounds like making this move was a real game-changer for you. I have found that for the majority of people who I have treated over the years, that it takes a major crisis before realizing that they need help. No one ever calls me asking for help with their communication or problem-solving skills. I often wish that I could fast-forward people’s crises BEFORE things got out of hand, so that they would sooner- rather than later realize that they needed help. In the world of sports, all professional athletes have a team that helps the person get to the top of their game. In life too, we need supportive people who can help us navigate life’s ups and downs as well. In your case, it was a therapist who was able to help you realize how your early childhood contributed to your inability to say the magic words “I Don’t Agree With You”. Bravo!

XxBEATTY

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for worse Forever: Discover the path to Lasting Love, advice columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions to beattycohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com