Hamptons Subway Reelects Commissioner Aspinall

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Robert De Niro was seen on the subway between Southampton and North Sea on Wednesday afternoon. He said he was not a frequent visitor to the Hamptons but when he does come out, he rides the subway to keep himself centered. He’s not going anywhere in particular. It just makes him feel like he is back in Tribeca.

SUBWAY TV

Those TV sets, which have been dark since they were put up four months ago, will come alive next week so subway riders are able to watch the baseball games – the Yankees or Mets will be in alternating odd- or even-numbered subway cars on every train – as they go where they have to get. There had been problems with paperwork and permits and Optimum but that’s all been straightened out. One full route around the subway system from Montauk to Westhampton takes about an hour and 40 minutes, so two round trips should allow fans to watch the whole game, if it doesn’t go into extra innings.

TINTED GLASS

At the suggestion of one of our riders who dropped a note into one of our suggestion boxes (at the back of all token booths), we ordered 50 panels of tinted glass and tried them out as windows in one of our subway cars as a test for a week. Most people hated them. Surveys showed straphangers felt they made the subway ride dark and gloomy. Some said it made them start to cry. We have removed the tinted glass.

NUPTUALS AHEAD?

Are wedding bells in the cards for Token Clerk Annie Brody and Flagman Tommy Thompson? They were seen last week holding hands in the company cafeteria. Then they were seen arguing about something then tearfully making up. Then they were seen with her head resting on his shoulder sitting on the subway going from Hampton Bays to Southampton yesterday.

SYSTEM CHANGES

The K train from Noyac to Amagansett will be out of service between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. this Friday to accommodate needed track repairs. Riders should take the L train from Noyac to Bridgehampton and then take the B local from Bridgehampton to Amagansett between these times.

GIFT TO ALL RIDERS

The last week in April is Birthday Cake Week. Hamptons Subway celebrates by giving everybody who uses the subway a slice of birthday cake as they come through the turnstiles. Please bring your own plate and fork as the subway does not have the 10,000 or so plates and forks that would be needed for everybody. If you don’t bring a plate and fork, it will be a big mess and you can count on it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MELISSA FRANKLIN

Melissa Franklin of Westhampton Beach, our booking intern on the third floor of the Hamptons Subway Headquarters building in Hampton Bays, turns 18 years old on Friday. Everyone please assemble in the cafeteria at that time to cut the cake and wish her a happy birthday. And let’s give thanks that she is now old enough to work, and we can promote her from her internship to an actual paid clerk job.

BILL ASPINALL RE-ELECTED

Every two years, an election is held to fill the post of commissioner of Hamptons Subway and this year was no exception. The election was held, after a 10-day delay, in the company lounge at Company Headquarters in Hampton Bays on April 10, with the winner retroactively taking office as of April 1. There were two voting booths set up. All employees of Hamptons Subway, each of whom has one share of stock in this closely held private company, get one vote. As in the past, the vote was contested. Aspinall, who has won the election for the last four terms, was challenged by some unknown challenger, Zeke Jones, the company barber who works on the third floor of the Subway Headquarters building.

The final vote was 78 votes for the commissioner and no votes for Zeke Jones. At one point, according to Commissioner Aspinall, who had surveillance cameras set up in the voting booths, it appeared that Jones might vote for himself, but then, as both the Commissioner and Mr. Jones agreed later, Jones pulled his hand away from the wrong lever and voted instead for Aspinall, making it, once again, unanimous.

“I don’t know what I was thinking there for a moment,” Jones said afterward.

SLIGHTLY REDUCED SERVICE

During May, the number of cars on each train is slightly reduced in order to give the mechanics and engineers at our Montauk yards an opportunity to give each car a thorough once-a-year overhaul. Passengers should not notice the difference in the service, because fewer people use the subway during that month. You can help out by using it, say, just six trips a week instead of seven.

ALTERCATION

An altercation occurred on the Southampton platform last Wednesday evening when two women got into a shouting match and then a fistfight about a particular man they knew, either Stan or Sam. Fellow passengers broke up the fight before our subway police could arrive and by the time they did the women were pals again and saying that Stan or Sam was just the scum of the earth.

We here at the newsletter remind everyone that Number 5 in the official Passenger Customer Code is that there is to be no fighting while on company property. We hope that this new year, our customers will make a resolution to have fewer of these sorts of things. For heaven’s sake, people.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

There is no commissioner’s message this week because the commissioner, after his reelection victory, is off on vacation in Tanzania climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro and apparently there is no internet up there.