Hamptons Subway Gets a New Uniforms

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Our crew of celebrity spotters who ride the subways every day looking for celebrities to mention in this column came up empty this week. If it happens again, our commissioner told them, they will all be fired.

MIXUP REGARDING PRESIDENT TRUMP’S DEPARTURE

Hamptons Subway officials, having been told by reliable sources that President Donald Trump, finishing in Southampton with the three private fundraisers hosted by wealthy donors during the negotiations in Pakistan, and planning to leave the Hamptons by subway on Saturday at 8 p.m., had arranged a triumphal exit for him. On hand at the top of the stairs going down to the platform (a garland of red white and blue flowers circled the railings) was the Hampton Harbor High School Marching Band which intended to greet him and guide him down the stairs to start his departure by playing The Star-Spangled Banner when he stepped from his limo to the curb there. (They had even flatbedded over the big cannon they fire during this performance). Down on the platform, which had been cleared of our regular straphangers, American flags were hung from the ceiling and on the tracks with our newest and best subway car, all recently polished and shined up, waiting for his personal use with an “Adios, Donald!” banner on it. Also there were Assistant Commissioner Birdsall and his new right-hand man and Public Relations Director Tom Basketball to offer up a special plaque to commemorate his visit, on which was spelled out the $4,000,000 he’d raised.

As it happened, however, the president left by private plane from Gabreski Airport. Hamptons Subway first learned of this when all the band members looked up to see the big new Airbus A380 with his name on the side which he’s now using for Air Force One temporarily, all loaded up with his entourage, just barely clearing the trees with all that weight and then flying off with a massive rumble to the south. He was bound, we were told, for Miami, to watch an important late night MMA fight according to his aides remaining here for the departure ceremony. He would be connected on a special radio wavelength to Vice President JD Vance in Pakistan while on the plane, keeping abreast of things, and then after landing in Miami continuing on with that connection if necessary during the event.

As a result, at the top of the stairs, Mr. Wachter, the bandmaster, signaled for the band to play the SSB, which they did as the plane flew over, and at the right spot the cannon was fired. Also, the baton twirlers did hold off on throwing the batons up in the air until it was certain they would not hit the low-flying plane.

A messenger then ran downstairs to tell Assistant Commissioner Birdsall, who is running things in the commissioner’s absence while he is in France on vacation, to tell an aide to the commissioner about what happened with the president not connecting with the departure program.

A FOND FAREWELL TO BILLY!

A party was held last Wednesday at noon in the Hampton Bays headquarters cafeteria for Billy “Willie” Bananas, the chief accountant at Hampton Subway who was recently exonerated from wrongdoing after the district attorney’s probe into the financial affairs of the company. He is taking another job, we are told, heading up a new rival subway system that somebody says will be started here in the Hamptons shortly.

SUPERPAC ADS WANTED

Hamptons Subway is now soliciting political advertising for inside all the subway cars. Beginning on May 1, all the current ads will be taken down, and only ads promoting senators or congressmen for the midterms will be accepted. Hamptons Subway is anxious to get some of that $2 billion in campaign advertising expected to be spent. Our riders will read these messages and be swayed to vote one way or another.

NEW LOGO FOR HAMPTONS SUBWAY

The competition to create the new logo for Hamptons Subway has ended and the winner is Bellhop and Scandal of Manhattan. The new logo, if approved by our Commissioner, will result in a change in the name of Hampton Subway. It will be Hamptons Subway, with an “s” at the end of Hampton.

“People are currently confused by the name Hampton Subway,” Henry Bellhop explained. “They think it refers to just one Hampton. And they don’t know which one it is.”

The new logo has the two words merged as one, with the two S letters capitalized and pushed together like this: hamptonSSubway.

“The SS will be everywhere,” Bellhop says. “It will remind people of those zappy military uniforms worn by the Germans during World War II.”

Bellhop made his announcement in the lobby of the Hampton Subway Building in Hampton Bays, the only building in America ever built to the brutal designs of Albert Speer, the architect to the Führer during that war. A big blinking neon SS sign is now on the roof of that building.

NEW WHITE UNIFORMS

All token booth operators and subway conductors will be dressed in new white linen uniforms beginning on August 1. White linen is the dress de rigeur of the Hamptons. It’s what F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends wore. So the Subway is now “with it,” to coin a phrase.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I was as surprised as everyone when I learned yesterday that President Donald Trump was in the Hamptons when he was supposed to be in Washington monitoring the peace efforts with Iran. After all, I am still over here in the South of France, in deep discussions with the Mayors of Cote d’Azure, Nice, Cannes, and St. Tropez about the benefits of their having a subway system along the coast here. We met in the Hotel Metropole about this last night. Topless bathers would not be welcome on such a subway, of course. I would also like to recommend a small but wonderful family restaurant we ate at last night called La Farigoule. Forget all those Michelin restaurants with those big stars, this is the place to be.