McGumbus Fires M-16 At Concert Ticket Winner


A woman in East Hampton reported that her house was shot at with a paintball gun. Authorities are on the lookout for D-12 and Eminem.


Bike Theft

A man in Montauk reported that his bicycle had been stolen. The man stated that he picked up his bike at the bike shop and placed it in the back of his pickup truck and then proceeded to head home. While heading home, he was in bad traffic, and when he got to his house, he reported that his bicycle was missing from the truck bed. He stated he doesn’t think that the bike fell out and that somebody removed the bicycle while he was stuck in traffic. The bike is estimated to be worth $700. [expand]



Old Man McGumbus, 100 years old and a former World War II acoustic hearing operator and President of the Shelter Island Fighter Plane Society, was injured last week while giving a demonstration of his former profession. Before radar, aircraft detection was implemented using massive acoustic hearing devices that were essentially giant pieces of steel that you held up to your ear and listened for incoming planes. McGumbus was giving a demonstration when a man wearing skinny jeans and a Beatles’ shirt screamed at the top of his lungs, “I won!!!” after getting a text message about free concert tickets to see the band Before They Were Cool, which will be playing at an unnamed bar in Brooklyn. The scream startled McGumbus so much that he had a flashback, and mistook the scream for an incoming Nazi bomber aircraft. McGumbus sprang into action and grabbed his trusty M-16 with grenade launcher attachment and began firing in the direction of the concert ticket winner, and witnesses heard him screaming, “Die you damn hippies!!!! DIE!!!!” He was subsequently tackled by the Vice-President of the Shelter Island Rifle Owners Club, Julian McDibster, who broke his hip in the process. McGumbus was heard saying, “Did I hit him? Did I hit him? Tell me I got him.” But the man McGumbus “mistook” for an incoming Nazi warplane had no injuries. He did need to go home however and change his pants. No charges were filed.


Fishing Rods

Three fishing rods were reported stolen out of a boat in Southampton. The fishing rods were valued at $100 a piece. The owner of the boat mentioned that they were terribly unlucky fishing rods and that he rarely caught any fish with them.



A deli in Hampton Bays reported that somebody stole three pickle jars from a display. Authorities are on the lookout for Snooki.

-David Lion Rattiner

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