Fights, The Storm And Thefts

The Storm

Well, it hasn’t hit us yet as of this writing, but it is pretty easy to predict that the Hamptons lost power, several residents reported tree damage, and a lot of people got a lot of really, really cool pictures of this storm. A few surfers probably hurt themselves as well.


Two men got into a fight at a bar while engaging in a slap fighting contest in Hampton Bays. One man punched the other man in the face. He lost the slap fighting contest, but won the punching in the face fighting contest. [expand]

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102, and World War II vet, was handing out wanted posters door to door for several men whom he identified as “Hippies” and needed to be arrested. Most of the men, who are well known for wearing skinny jeans, eating tofu, listening to bands that nobody knows about and have nappy hair, got upset by the posters and confronted McGumbus about it in a show down that took place on Main Street. McGumbus, who is the President of the Shelter Island Assault Rifles Club, drew his custom M-16 rifle during the show down. One of the hippie men was quoted saying, “Hey man, not cool, seriously bro, not cool!!!” To which McGumbus said, “I’m not your bro, YOU DAMN HIPPIE!” Just before he was about to fire, McGumbus was tackled by his former girlfriend, Old Woman McGippie, 101 and former World War II field nurse. The two wrestled in the street a bit until McGumbus complained of chest pain and had to be rushed to the emergency room. It turned out that his heart is fine, it was just a big wad of beef jerky that was stuck in his esophagus. No charges have been filed.


A man was arrested in East Hampton for D.W.I. after he was spotted driving on the wrong side of the road. The man tried to fake a European accent when he was arrested. His plan failed.


A watch valued at $800 was reported missing from a house in Montauk. Who needs to check the time in Montauk?

Lights Out

If you are reading this by candlelight, then Hurricane Irene hit your house. Be careful out there folks.

Video Taped

A man on the North Fork reported that some questionable photos of himself were found on his cellphone by his wife. The man did not know how the photos appeared on his cellphone and told his wife that he thought it was some kind of a conspiracy. Sure buddy.


–David Lion Rattiner

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