Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael Dies


A man crashed his car into a deli in Westhampton and then fled the scene. Police are still looking for him. The car crashed into the deli head-on last Sunday. Two men were seen by witnesses fleeing the car. The deli, clearly, is not a drive-thru, no matter how many times somebody tries to crash through it.

Car Break-In

Police are on the hunt for the culprits behind a string of car break-ins that have occurred in Hampton Bays, East Quogue and Southampton. Many of the items that have been stolen out of cars are electronic equipment such as laptops and cellphones. In one instance, a harmonica was stolen. A harmonica? Anybody with any information regarding these break-ins can call police anonymously at 631-728-5000.

Dead Turtle

A very large dead turtle was found on the beach in East Hampton Village. Police were called and the Riverhead Marine Foundation was called to remove the turtle from the beach and to give it a proper burial. We will miss you Raphael, you were one of my favorites, kind of a jerk, but still very cool. Cowabunga.

Shelter Island

It’s late October on Shelter Island and once again, the island is just out of control with wild parties, loud music and too many people letting loose. Old Man McGumbus 103 years of age and former World War II radio man, said that he is sick and tired of all of the ruckus going on on Shelter Island and he’s not going to take it anymore, while giving a public speech in the square in opposition to the large rock festival that has been going on for the last two weeks that has attracted Brittany Spears, Janet Jackson, Celine Dion, Eminem and Jay Z to perform. Islanders have been struggling to deal with the massive traffic inflows and code violations. But hey, it’s late October on Shelter Island, that’s just how it goes over there, it’s what you signed up for when you decided to live there McGumbus!

Pull Over

A man was given a D.W.I. in Southampton after he was spotted pulled over on the side of the road. When police went to help out the man, they noticed that he was passed out drunk in his car.


A man in Riverhead was arrested after he was pulled over for a traffic violation and then made a run for it. When police caught the man, they found him to be in possession of the drug P.C.P., also known as the street drug angel dust, which makes users of the drug feel like they can do anything, such as running from the police when they get pulled over.

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