Hamptons Police Blotter: Lawn Ornaments Mating?


A man in Hampton Bays accidentally electrocuted himself while attempting to clean dog hair out of an electrical outlet using a metal knife. Yes people, he is that dumb, read this one to your children.

P.S. the man is fine, he was just a little shocked by the whole ordeal.

Kick, Punch

A man in Sag Harbor was charged with choking, kicking and punching a woman during an argument.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 107 years old, former World War II public relations officer, released a statement last week to the Shelter Island media that the hippie threat level has been reduced from level “red” to level “yellow.” The reason for the reduction had to do with the loss of the San Francisco 49s to the New York Giants in the NFC Championship game. The statement read, “We once again avoided near catastrophe last week in terms of the hippie menace that is plaguing this nation. If San Francisco were to make it to the Super Bowl, I think we all would have killed ourselves. I certainly would have. Keep your resolve. Never surrender. Be manly, be American, Go Giants.”

School Bus Accident

An East Hampton school bus accident took place last week. There were no injuries to anybody in the accident. The school bus driver, well, let’s just say he’s not going to be answering his telephone for the next few months.

Lawn Ornaments

A man in Montauk reported that somebody had rearranged all of the lawn ornaments at his home, which include plastic statues of deer, snowmen and other items, so that, “The ornaments appeared to be mating.” A full investigation is underway.

The North Fork 

A woman on the North Fork reported that somebody hacked into her Facebook account and deleted the game Farmville. The woman stated that an entire year of crops had been lost and that the amount of work she put into the game was at least five hours a day. Here’s a thought for you lady, delete your Facebook account.          

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