Hamptons Police Blotter: Bikini Festival, Burglars, Ninja Turtles

Hard to believe the things that took place in the Hamptons this past week. Some of the items in our police blotter are truly unbelievable. No…really.

Ninja Turtle-ette? 

A woman from Calverton was arrested in Southampton after she was caught with being in possession of a metal knuckle knife, which is illegal in New York. The woman was caught with the knife after being pulled over for a traffic violation. For those that don’t know, a metal knuckle knife is a knife that has a brass knuckle grip, and it comes in handy if you are planning on stabbing somebody to death and then mashing them in the face with brass knuckles for good measure.

Didn’t Have Permission

An 18-year-old girl in Sagaponack was charged after she was caught driving a car that she did not have permission to drive. The car was not hers. It did not indicate in the report if she had a really, really, really crabby relative, or if she was in fact, stealing a friend’s car.

Shelter Island 

The three-week-long Bikini Festival that takes place on Shelter Island every winter during the end of January and the beginning of February, got completely out of hand on Saturday. Old Man McGumbus, 107 years old and former World War II B-18 bomber pilot, is the President of the festival and was charged with operating a brothel inside of the Shelter Island Fishermen’s Hall, which served as the headquarters of the Bikini Festival. McGumbus was arrested after he was caught providing “massage” services for Shelter Island visitors and residents. Seventy-nine women from Brazil, the Philippines, Thailand, Egypt, Germany, Romania, Russia and Poland were also arrested. While being arrested, McGumbus was also charged with illegal distribution of the product Viagra after the trunk of his 1974 Buick was found to have over 9,000 little blue pills. Also found in his car were nine empty bottles of Wild Turkey Bourbon, several hand guns and a working flame thrower, which McGumbus has permits for. The Bikini Festival will continue through next week on Shelter Island with the bikini parade taking place on Thursday and the bikini heated tent party taking place on Friday.


A neighborhood burglar turned out to be, well, the neighbor down the street in East Hampton. A man was arrested after tripping an alarm inside of a house that he was stealing from. When he was arrested, it turned out that the man resided just two doors down from the home that he was robbing.

He’d Make A Good Dentist

A man in Westhampton was arrested after he punched a guy in the face and knocked his tooth out. The man was then found to be in possession of cocaine. He just missed his calling as a dentist, all he needs to do is get licenses and he can rip people’s teeth out all day and serve them Novocain like hot cakes.

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