Hamptons Police Blotter: Kindle-napping, Deer Heads

It’s another week of wild stuff in the police reports in the Hamptons—including graffiti, stolen gadgets and a dead deer head left in somebody’s driveway! Did somebody get an offer he shouldn’t have refused?

This week certainly had us on our toes…

Hamptons Mafia? 

A man in Water Mill called police after somebody left a headless dead deer in the middle of his driveway. The man believed that the headless deer was left there intentionally to harass him. Why did you go to the police? Why didn’t you come to me first?


Two men in Riverhead were arrested after police found them in the middle of the street, laying down, high on PCP. They were arrested on charges of loitering, appearing in public under the influence of narcotics, criminal possession of a controlled substance and being nightmares to society.


A local young man was arrested and charged with making graffiti and being in possession of a graffiti instrument after he was seen spray-painting a sign at Sagg Main Beach. The young man was also in possession of an unlawful amount of marijuana.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 104-years-old, and former World War II underwater explosives expert, was arrested last week for overcrowding and lewd conduct taking place at his home. McGumbus, who recently constructed a large white rock in the middle of his front yard in honor of his fallen fellow country men, was spotted running out in the middle of the street intoxicated, wearing nothing but a silk robe and holding a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon while singing the song, “Lollipop” by the Chordettes very loudly at two in the morning, causing neighborhood dogs to howl and bark. According to neighbors, within hours of McGumbus constructing the white rock monument, hundreds of people began showing up at his house, playing music extremely loudly and participating in activities, “too extreme to discuss.” No arrests were made.

Stolen Kindle 

A woman in Southampton reported that her Kindle was stolen from her car while the car was parked on her property. The woman also reported that 78,000 books were stolen from her car. (No good? Bad joke? No good? I thought that was funny).


Stolen Television

A Southampton man reported that somebody stole a flat screen television from one of the rooms at the hotel he manages. Police are on the look-out for…well…you know…one of those weird guys who just can’t get enough of those late night hotel movies.

–David Lion Rattiner

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