Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Was That Batman On The Roof In East Hampton?

When crime hits the tough streets of the Hamptons, we report on the news. The police radios were lighting up red with reports of a dark shadow running on top of a roof, and a world famous artist having a little trouble with a trespasser. Keep your wits about you Hamptonites.


Police were called in East Hampton after somebody was spotted on the roof of a pharmacy, jumping around. When officers responded to the scene, the dark figure mysteriously was gone.


Peter Beard

Peter Beard’s property in Montauk was the subject of a police report last week when a woman walked on the property claiming to be an old friend of his. When the property manager told her that she had to leave, she did, but police were called because Beard has made it clear to the woman that he does not want her contacting him anymore. Granted, this really isn’t that exciting of a report, I just really like hearing the name Peter Beard in my head. It’s one of those names that sounds both manly and poetic at the same time. Like Max Powers.


Offensive Sign

Somebody called police to report an offensive sign during the Occupy Sag Harbor protests last week. Apparently, nobody likes it when you hold up a sign that offends people.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 107 years old and former World War II knife combat specialist, was arrested last week after Susie McBisquick, former Chief Executive of Marketing and Strategy for the Shelter Island Radio Station had him arrested. McBisquick, who has called police 246 times since January, claimed that McGumbus was harassing her while she was shopping for cat food for the 14 cats that live in her house. She claims that McGumbus sexually assaulted her while he was walking by her in the grocery store while buying his weekly supply of bacon and pork rinds. McGumbus denies the charges stating, “I wouldn’t touch that woman with a 10-foot pole, she’s like a walking pile of rotten cheese.”

McGumbus was released on his own recognizance.


High Speeding Idiot

Police in Quogue were sent on a wild ride after a Calverton man led them on a high-speed chase that ultimately ended up with a collision into a tree. The man failed to pull over after he was caught speeding and led officers on not just a car chase, but also a foot chase. The man was arrested and charged with multiple offences. Tune into the next episode of “COPS” to see this one. 


–David Lion Rattiner

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