Hamptons Police Blotter: Shellfish Mystery, McGumbus

Crimes and misdemeanors and some very mysterious dead crabs kept the Hamptons Police Blotter busy this past week.

DO NOT ADD WATER

Some jerk in Riverhead siphoned a guy’s tank of gas, and then added water into the emptied gas tank so the driver would see that his tank was still full when he got in the car. It did not end well.

LOTS OF DWIS

East Hampton increased its efforts for DWI enforcement last week after “Operation NiteCAP” went into effect. Seventeen people in total were arrested, all for driving while intoxicated.

MCGONE-GUS

Shelter Island’s infamous Old Man McGumbus has gone missing this week. He is reportedly climbing Mount Kilimanjaro by day and sleeping in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag at night. No one knows why this 105-year-old WW II vet is determined to make the summit. Some believe that McGumbus’s recent stardom on reddit. com sent him over some psychological edge and he is seeking a ritual cleansing at the top of Africa’s highest mountain. Some wonder if the extensive collection of paraphernalia he is carrying with him via dog sled includes one of his flamethrowers. In any case, no one on Shelter Island misses him yet, at least according to his ex-wife.

Meanwhile, back on that sheltered island, hipsters are celebrating McGumbus’s absence with read-ins at all the local coffee hives. They are reading aloud from Kerouac classics and reciting scenes from “How I Met Your Mother” and “Colombo.” They are also holding bake-ins, using yeasts found in McGumbus’ old pickup truck to leaven bread dough.

LOST?

Purebred dogs are showing up more and more in local animal shelters. Purebred cats remain a rarity. The recent donation of a purebred Angus bull did not go well. Those people wishing to donate livestock are now being referred to local farmers.

HOW ODD

About 100 dead crabs washed ashore last week in Hampton Bays. It was a very strange sight, and after an investigation into the incident, it has been determined that pesticides were not the cause. Officials confirmed that no pesticides were sprayed in the area recently, and for some reason the crabs just showed up dead. Maybe they were just all part of a crab cult and all drank poison at the same time—either that or, FREAKING PESTICIDE WAS SPRAYED THERE BY SOMEBODY.

BORED

A man on the North Fork reported that he was bored and needed something to do.