Farmer Dan’s Almanac

The peak of the hurricane season arrives this week. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, there haven’t been hurricanes yet. Well, brace yourself. It won’t be long.

As a public service, therefore, Dan’s Papers presents the month-by-month long-term weather forecast for 2013–2014, not only through the end of October when the hurricane season ends, but way off until the end of the year and through to the beginning of spring 2014. This is the 114th consecutive bi-annual Weather Almanac we have issued for eastern Long Island. It’s never been wrong. Clip it out and post it on the front of your refrigerator. Or fold it up and shove it between your smartphone and its protective case.


AUGUST 23–31

Three small hurricanes will start up in the south Atlantic, one on August 22, the next on August 25 and the third on August 27, each heading off to the west and north, but will then peter out without hitting anything. August 22-23 there will be thunderstorms. There will be a 1.8 magnitude earthquake at 11:08 a.m. on August 31, centered at Sagaponack, but no one will notice. Best broccoli of the year will be at the stands by August. Thursday, August 29 heralds the arrival of Labor Day weekend. Skies are bright and sunny for Friday, so everyone decides to come out from the city. But then the rest of the weekend it will rain so the merchants can have a good weekend.


On September 5, after the horse show ends, a tornado will touch down in Groton, Connecticut, cross Long Island Sound and veer off to the left, entirely missing land. After that, it will be a sunshiny day until September 9, when it will be drizzly all day, but then it will clear up. A huge hurricane with winds in excess of 125 miles an hour, named Dolly, will come driving up the coast beginning September 8, but as Dolly clips North Carolina, it will be thrown into a tizzy, start spinning in circles while making a whining noise and then head out to sea. In the aftermath on September 9, chickens are seen flying backwards. September 12 will be a good time to harvest beets. September 23 will see a piece of Greenland breaking off, a moon confluence and high tides coinciding at 11 p.m. There will be some flooding problems in Brentwood, Long Island, especially around the high school, but sea levels will be normal on the East End all that day. On September 27, there will be hailstones as big as puppies. September 28 will be a good to day to begin harvesting grapes. The harvest comes late because of the drizzles, but it means the wine is really good, unless some dunderhead winemaker has it all picked early. Rainfall above average in September.


A huge tsunami forms in the Atlantic Ocean on October 3, after a piece of the island of La Gomera in the Canaries chain slides down and into the sea. Warnings are issued for the East End of Long Island. But a big ocean liner, trying desperately to get out of the tsunami’s way, sails in front of it at 30 knots, and barely escapes without harm. However the ship’s wake causes the tsunami to change direction and it hits Cape Cod, though pretty petered out. The wave is just seven feet. No big deal. October 10-14, when the Hamptons International Film Festival comes to town, the weather will be warm and sunny on the East End. Not a cloud in the sky. All is well. Good time for the squash harvest is October 18-19. Heavy rain and thunderstorms on October 21. Clocks are turned back that night, but nothing happens, it’s the wrong date. Temperature of the ocean begins to decline in the last half of the month instead of the first half because of global warming. Height of the Striped Bass surfcasting season is October 22. Biggest waves at Ditch Plains, 12 feet, arrive October 24. Cold front moves through October 27 and stays in place through October 29, but then it warms up, so nobody needs coats or mittens on Halloween night, and no kid catches cold. All in all, temperatures are a bit above average in October.


Best time for goat breeding is the first week of November. Best weekend to watch fall colors upstate is November 8–11, but be back by November 12 for the arrival of a last gasp, wayward and lost small hurricane so you can break out the beer and watch it try to hit Bridgehampton. This hurricane is only a Category 1 Hurricane, however, so it bounces off the dunes and heads back the other way. Balmy weather through November 15, then the first snowfall comes on Thanksgiving Day. Sinkholes appear throughout Florida in the second half of November. Numerous buildings sucked down. Scientists blame it on a rising water table. On November 18, people on the North Fork of Long Island are warned to look out for sinkholes, but none occur and the moment passes.


Bitter cold winter snowstorm hits the East End on December 5. Fourteen inches of snowfall. Goats stop breeding. Power goes out for an hour. Governor Cuomo himself is out in one of the LIPA trucks. December 9 should be the last day you gather up tomatoes to avoid the first freeze, which will come on December 10, very, very late this year. Meteor heading for earth, should hit Hampton Bays in early January, NASA says. Snow flurries on December 16. Above average temperatures. Second big snowstorm hits the East End December 22, then a third on December 23. Total snowfall five feet. But the power stays on and everybody goes sleigh riding.


No records kept for January. Everyone’s away. But meteor doesn’t hit Hampton Bays on January 3 as it’s supposed to, it hits three miles out in the ocean. NASA apologizes for what they say was a mathematical error.


Unusual winter twister hits the ocean beach in Wainscott on February 2, heads west down the beach to Mecox during the next hour, and along the way sucks sand valued at $20 million up into its funnel and out to sea, leaving the beach naked of sand for the rest of the winter. On February 14 the sun sets over the ocean for the first time and a hissing sound is heard throughout the Hamptons. Weather sticky and warm on February 21 through 22. Stay indoors. It turns cold again on February 24. You’ll catch the sniffles on February 27. A lot of window rattling from a northeast wind on February 28. Build a fire, but watch out for


Record low temperature of -11 degrees reported at Southampton on March 4, so everyone rushes to Montauk, where it’s 44 degrees. Earth tremor of 4.6 hits Westhampton Beach on March 27, and several telephone poles, which had been sent leaning by an earlier storm, stand up straight. Volcano emerges from the sea on March 28 offshore of Bridgehampton, begins puffing smoke. Giant forest fire appears in Hither Woods in Montauk on March 29, but gets put out by what starts out as a snowstorm but turns to a heavy rainstorm before the firemen get there. March 31: Religious leaders declare it a gift from God. First tourists of the new season appear and their breeding season commences that night.


Volcanic activity on island offshore of Bridgehampton ceases and various interested parties offer high prices for it. There is to be a bidding war. But nobody knows who the seller is. Goat foaling begins April 17.

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